Monday, 26 November 2012

Right...

I haven't posted because well... the last few weeks have been so hard.

My Dhada (Grandfather) passed away on the 8th, it was my little brother's birthday on the 12th and Dhada was buried on the 13th.


I obviously went down south to attend the funeral. I stayed a few days few my Maa and the little'uns... I have never lost a person to death... so this was my first. But idk it was the other things that came with losing him that I didn't expect. Things like seeing my Maa and Chachu (Uncle) - the two people who are always strong, my Maa is like my best friend, sister and everything else in between and my Chachu is essentially my Dad. When I want my dad - I want my Chachu; to see them so broken was devastating, seeing my siblings not really understand what was going on and wondering what they were feeling, usually we are so in sync - I couldn't figure out if it was just that I was so upset or if that I just didn't understand them because I was too old, leaving my husband alone and being away from him for the first time since we had got married and seeing a non-living being.


You know, they say that you never forget that last sight of their face- it's true. It's been a few weeks but even now my Dhada's face comes into my mind and I can't help the tears that come. It must be so hard for the people around grievers - you can't feel that loss so how are you meant to empathise, if you have lost a loved one you can sympathise but you don't know what that person meant to them. Idk...

i have sort of shut down a little. I only want to talk to my really close friends and even then I'm not really sure of what to say. I'm pretty clingy at the moment - atleast I think I am.


It's so odd because my last post was on the day he died. I wrote that in the morning and in the evening my Maa called me and told me. I cried for him that morning when I first tried to write that post. I missed him so much... Weird. 


My Dhada used to say funny thing to me all the time. I remember when I was younger I was really insecure about my looks (I'm the ugly duckling of my family) and he used to try so hard to assure me I was beautiful - "You have a face like Priyanka Chopra..." was one of the things that stick out, mainly because she was the 2000 Miss. World :/ Good try, much. Thats what a grandfather is for, right? To show you what men can be - how they should be before you find your prince charming. To love you. To give you advice. To be there for you. A little grand daughter will always live inside of me.


Losing my Dhada has done a few good things though. He always loved a hard lesson - you never got anything easy... unless you were a super cute, amazing, beautiful little grand daughter. It has taught me that life is short. weirdly, it has brought me and my Maa a lot closer. I really want to be a good person now. Like more than ever. The last few months have really taught me the meaning of what I claim are my core beliefs- I didn't really know what they meant all these years.. They were just words I liked the sound of I suppose.


My Maa is the Angel I saw when I was little. My siblings are mine to love and protect. My husband is... well, him and I love him so much and I  have to show him everyday why he loves me back, that he can trust me and that I have grown.


Forgive the ones who have hurt you. Don't hate, just sit back and let Karma do it's thing. Try to be as happy as you can. Be a child for as long as possible because you only have a short amount of time to be so, but you have the rest of your life to be an adult. Cherish, protect and love the ones who belong to you - not just from the world but from yourself too.


Idk... This was probably my most morbid post and I'm not sure when I will post again but it will be soon.


Love,


Monica

         xxx

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