Thursday, 18 April 2013


The girl I will at some point have with my husband will be a daughter. I'm a daughter. My mother is a daughter. Her mother was a daughter. My great grandmother who was kinda like a very small, female, bengali and exceedingly beautiful dictator was also I'm sure a daughter and not hatched from the primordial ooze of lost souls and despair. What I'm trying to say is all women are daughters... So yeah... that was meant to have been far more profound than it actually was...

My Maa recently came to visit... She left me with a book 'This Is All - The Pillowbook of Cordelia Kenn', it's written by a man who is writing in the character of a woman who is pregnant and is writing about her life for her daughter. Ugh that is the most primitive synopsis of a book that I have ever given. It's much more awesome than that was believe me. But it got me thinking about the daughter I will have for my husband one day, she will go through many of the things that we all as women go through. She will grow (not much cuz I'm a midget), she will start to fill out (also not much, her mummy is only 40kg), she will start puberty (late, I was a late one), she will have to deal with the attention of boys (I never did, I wasn't the fit one out of my friends so I was spared), she will go through all the decisions in life that we all do in secondary school. Friends, drama and teachers - I mean so much happens in 6 hours, doesn't it? I mean I swear if I had just concentrated on my lessons I would have really had some good grades. Urgh, hindsight is a beautiful thing.

So the book - The Pillowbook of Cordelia Kenn.

Cordelia Kenn (Cordy to her Aunt Doris and Leah to her boyfriend Will, I never did like many of my nicknames - I mean my Maa was always coming up with them one after another, they were okay. The ones my friends came up with were kinda stupid - Mole, Monski, Moley Moley Moley and a colourful assortment of swearwords. My siblings came up with cute ones until my Maa decide that it was wrong for them to call me by my name so she told them they would call me Boro, meaning big in bengali and as I'm the eldest, you get the picture, anyway) is pregnant and decides to make a pillow book, in the first pages we are told that a pillow book is "A notebook or collection of notebooks kept in some accessible but relatively private place, and in which the author would  from time to time record impressions, daily events, poems, letters, stories, ideas, descriptions of people, etc." but she makes it for her daughter. I haven't finished it (and I'm a fast reader- I finished my latest book Light - Micheal Grant, I managed 434 pages in 3 hours) yet but that is because I am annotating it for my daughter, Cordelia discusses the first time she has sex and God knows I won't be telling her about such things, my Maa is pretty open with me, like once she said that I could talk to her about anything because I she gave birth to me and then gave me a detailed, quite scarring anecdote of my birth... nice one, Maa but I'm not sure I would be able to be so open, she talks about falling in love, her passion for writing, the death of her mother when she was just 5-years-old, she talks of her best friend Izumi (who I am pretty sure has a thing for her and there has been some sort of event between them), she talks of her father and growing up. I am a quite open person and I like to think that I am a funny person but some of the things she talks about I know for a fact that I will never be able to say to my daughter just because I can barely say it to myself! But as I was reading I couldn't help but think that there are some books I really wish I had discovered or been given at a much younger age (I was always a mature kid), like My Sisters Keeper, The Self-Presevation Society, Leaving The World and this book This Is All and quite a few others. Like I wish I had started reading the Harry Potter, Cherub and Alex Rider books much earlier they ended up teaching me about loss, friendship, strength and most of all patience like reading takes a lot of it.

I just thought that there are so many things that I kinda wish someone had said to said to me when I was 15. I mean at that age we are given so much information and asked to compute it and just accept it - no one thinks that maybe we aren't ready yet and like then the other thing that bothers me is that they give you all the fucking logistics, anatomy and the, if I may be so crude "in's and out's" but how it actually feels and how much it changes everything, how much of a dynamic/octave it actually adds to a relationship whether is it a healthy one or toxic one. We are just kinda told that sex is sex and then we are basically told this (quoting Mean Girls is a must at this very point in my blog) "Coach Carr: Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, OK, promise? OK, now everybody take some rubbers", everyone fails to see how giving a bunch of thirteen year old girls a bunch of phallus representing cucumbers (out of interest WTF do they do with those poor water-based veggies after that mortifying display of the human/female imagination - Salad, anyone?) and saying "put a condom on it" and giving a bunch of boys a new found use for their little friend is more important than explaining the emotional side to it. 

It's not just *insert (heehee insert... sorry ahem) personal name for female genitals* meet *insert  personal name for male genitals*. There is actually some feeling. Like the first time a boy sees a girls girly parts I'm sure he is like WTF, cuz I'm sorry ladies but boys are not just simple in the intellectual sense but their anatomy also shares that philosophy. God knew that they were a special bunch so gave them the only thing they cannot go wrong with - a joystick, I'm not being all feminist here believe me, any feminist will tell you I'm being anti- feminist but lads have got it easy and they are lucky for it. Girls have like all this random bits and stuff that comes out and then once a month Auntie Flo or Sofia or whatever the hell you wanna call that random blood loss that occurs once a month comes along to ruin your mood, sex life, sebum levels, diet and sleep and then the laborious task of orgasms. Wtf is wrong with that? I mean no offence to any one that has a vibrator but... it seem like a lot of effort for a few moments of repeated muscle contraction and a burst of hormone. There is like ovaries and a uterus and a vaginal canal (wait, what? Who the hell decided women could have a bloody canal inside them? Thats not very nice... No matter how size zero we are we still have a "canal" between our freaking legs") and two Fallopian tubes or oviducts and a g-spot (which the existence of is disputed) and eggs and a cervix and a vulva and a... omg the list just keeps going. 

Lads have a joystick, they use it to pee and cum and to please them, well, they are perfectly capable of doing that all on their own but if needs must then it's pretty simple to. But getting back to the point I bet when a guy sees a girls girly bits for the first time he's like wtf... Well... actually I've just been on Yahoo answers (you do not want to see my Google history) apparently guys are a mixture of:

"It's weird looking..."
"Will it eat me?!"... No, boys - no woman's lady bits in the history of human kind has ever eaten another human being... pushed one out, yes. Eaten one, no.
"I want to play with/touch it"
"Blown away and curious".
And then there were the ones being all nonchalant about it and were like "meh".

So basically I was kinda right. 

Girls... have a similar sort of experience... I think. Considering we have nothing of any similarity ... Idk actually. Hmmm...

Ladies? Listen up. How did you feel and what did you think the first time you saw a guy naked? I feel a bit pervy asking that. Eww... 

Anyways as always.



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