Monday, 30 December 2013

Slutty Hijabis

Okay so let me set the scene, I'm not wearing anything special just dark jeans and a long sleeve jumper, my handbag, I've got my heels on (but I wear heels to pop to the Tesco across the road - I'm sort of addicted to them), its a bit chilly so I have a jacket on, cut-off gloves and a scarf just around my neck, a mon avis that's a cute look. It's like a casual, normal, cute look, you know? Make up wise I've got like a natural day look, eyelashes curled, lips faintly tinted and just a smidgen of foundation so again minimal and cute. So that's me right does that sound normal to you? It does right. Now let me add the important bit- I'm with my hubby. I'm holding his hand like any normal couple and I'm kissing him every so often like any normal loving wife. I mean I know I'm Asian so public displays of affection or the simple fact that we remotely even like one another is a shock but that doesn't sound like a bad thing to you does it? Like that whole situation. It's sound like a cute modern Asian couple who are comfortable together and happy right?

 So why is it that I get so many dirty looks off Asian girls? Not like all of them but the ones that should really check themselves before they check anyone else. You know the ones - an inch thick layer of foundation, blusher, bronzer and concealer, bright eye shadow, some crazy cat eye style eyeliner, two sets of false eyelashes, just really caked. They look like they are little make up models, but then you see their over the top, totally ridiculous clothes that make them look like they are off to a wedding, it is so damn weird and like then they have that camel hump of a headscarf on, seriously what the fuck is in that? It's so big... "Thats why her hair is so big, it's full of secrets" - Mean Girls, actually I wouldn't be surprised if that's the reason, glued to their Blackberries and iPhones, constantly on Instagram, Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, SnapChat, Tinder and what ever other social media they are all addicted to, you have to wonder who they are speaking to and what about. The thing I love the most is they always post prayers and passages from the Quran but then they are DMing tons of boys acting all coy and coquettish it's like wtf. Everyone is a brother to them and they always have the sluttiest friends too. OMG the funniest thing I then way they speak, it's like OMG. She's got like a scarf on and when Mummy-Ji is around she talks like a normal human being but then on social media and with her friends shes all chavvy and shit - everything is “hench”, ends with “innit” or “safe” and has “kusmeh” along with other random Hindi/Urdu/Bengali words somewhere when there is really no need but my favourite thing is that they hate swearing its like you are offending the English language with the way you are speaking yet the offensive part of the English language offends you?! Backwards child. It's just funny. It's just too funny. The worst part I think is how they constantly talk about things to do with Asian culture and religion and then are like “oh my non-Asian followers don't know what I'm on about haha”, it's like so you're eating your mum's over-spiced, oily curry and rice with mango pickle, or that you have half of Heathrow Arrivals at your house or you're eating asian sweets or my favourite either someone is getting married/they  have too many weddings to attend to/they need to get married; no one gives a fuck, like no one. Different cultures have their own stereotypical issues - you don't see them posting about it. Just for retweets and followers.

Nor do they care about the things you are getting told of for. Surely if you aren't allowed to do something because your parents have said no, but you are still doing it, don't go posting it on a public forum, you know? Where everyone can see it... Because its public *face palm*. All like “OMG meeting up with my sisters (other asian and muslim girls) for Shisha in *pick any majorly Asian populated city in the UK, such as - London/ Manchester* sooooo excited!” Its like errrm, you do realise how stupid, you are right? I mean, really?

Like I remember once me and the hubby were going to Roundhay to do our Asian shopping like - meat, chicken, gherkins, jalapeño peppers, chicken nuggets and other random things that Asian shops sell in large individual quantities as my husband is a man and likes to buy lots of everything so he doesn't have to shop anymore (once he purchased like 10kgs of Cous Cous T-T") and there were like a group of maybe five girls walking towards us, all very similar to the description above and they were all cutting me evils. Like are you for real? But then they all went into a shisha lounge like it was all normal. Let me tell you that girls going into shisha lounges is not normal, I mean its barely okay for a married women with her husband to go so an unmarried, young girl is definitely a no-no, but tbh it's for the right reasons. Like don't get me wrong some of my culture is like really messed up and stuff but shisha lounges bless them aren't good places most of the time. They are great for drugs, money laundering and are full of dark dingy corners for dark deeds to be done or agreed upon, also full of asian teenage boys/men that are trying to hold on to their youth Idk we all know what Asian dudes are like: leery and weird, granted some of them are nice like my hubby and like I don't know many Asian people, let alone boys but the ones I do know and have met are weird, and that's mainly family and family friends maybe I just come from a weird environment cuz they are all like super weird. But like yeah why would you want to be in a place like that. A group of girls in a large room full of creepy Asian dudes...Sounds a bit rapey doesn't it? Especially the one I'm on about. It's got like frosted glass and low lighting. You look into it and you can literally only see about a few metres into the place. Tell me that's warning sign. Some shisha lounges are really nice I'm sure but this one and the ones that have been described to me and the ones I've seen in the many pictures all seem to have a real creepy, rapey, dark vibe to them. So yeah. What kind of girl enjoy that? I get if like you're a bunch of mates loads of different people like idk, that's like a bit better does that makes sense? Like idk like my friend over in the US was at a shisha lounge (it was Halloween and she was dressed in rather sexy outfit but she isn't slutty... Nor a hijabi) and she was there with friends - dudes and chicks, there was a big group of them and it was a big safe normal party of them. You know? But like a small group of entirely Asian, Muslim, young, very pretty girls just doesn't sound like a good idea, it just sounds a little rapey, a little kidnappy and a little human trafficky, It's like the story line of a Jason Statam movie. I know I'm really kinda scared of everything and worry too much but seriously I just don't think it's the best of setups. But yeah idk. Ugh I just wish Asians wouldn't be so nosey and judgemental. Like fuck you and your opinion. I like the ones that see me everyday and still cut me evils. It's like “babe I'm going to drop of lunch to my hubby. I try to make it everyday sometime though I do just buy it. Some days I wait like an hour because he has to work a little more and it's cold and wet and windy but I still wait. I don't go home because I'll just have to come back as soon as I get there and I don't go wondering around Trinity because I think he might come out early and I'll miss him so I stay. What the fuck are you out for, and dressed like that? How about you shut the fuck up and piss off? I don't judge you on sight until you give me that look so yeah. Good. Slut.”

Ugh. They just frustrate me so much. It's like get a life, much?

I'm married and happy. What are you doing nearly every night? Lying to your parents about where you are, getting pissed up and laid. I'm preparing meals for my hubby and myself, keeping a home, snuggling my husband, making him laugh, just being a wife and then I'm trying to be a daughter from a distance and a good big sister. Who are you to judge me? If we are going to judge then tbh I'd rather be me because I am helping make four people happy. One of them I do all by my self, I have to counter every single time someone or something brings him down. I am his entire world and its taken time but I'm finally getting it right. Two of them I'm helping to make better people and know they are loved by me from nearly five hours away. And the other I am helping remember that she is an amazing person. What are you doing? 

Ugh. Okay I'm done.



Thursday, 19 December 2013

Compilation of crap I have said on my FB

I think I'm going to make this a regular. I quite like you lot knowing what random things I say on a day to day basis but like I hate those people that use their blog like a Facebook and post like three sentences or just like loads of picture it's so annoying. Tbh I only started this because my Facebook and emails kept getting hacked by some people so I thought I would save them the job and just post all the juicy bits on here in a public forum where they can just read it. I think it's funny that some people have no lives yet judge mine. Talk about gag yourself with a spoon. Ugh anyways! Here we go...

The person that says the thing you least want to hear and the person that always says the right thing are good people.

Buying something great and being like “OMG this person is going to love this! It's funny and has meaning and is so them! Yaaay!” and then getting it home and realising this thing is the most difficult thing to wrap but not wanting to get a bag/box for it because you know you won't be able to find one that matches your über cool wrapping paper and instantly regretting buying the damn thing.

Ugh - Christmas struggles.

Lol. Looking through Facebook's suggested friends and all I see are other peoples kids, ugly couples and single girls that take pictures with their mates to confuse lads as to who they are adding, the 8/10 brunette or the 4/10 dyed blonde.

The new Chanel N°5 advert is just perfection.

I just licked my elbow.

I love first generation antihistamines.

I just want to take Nicole Scherzinger on holiday. She literally needs a detox, hug, icecream and a bitch sesh. 

Poor baby x

My hubby posted this but its still funny:

Monica Thalukdher is currently rolling around the sofa shouting "I'm itchy but I don't know where I'm itchy" help diiiiipu

When I hear about other people's relationships they always sound so strange to m and then when people hear about my relationship/marriage they are like "I want that". It's like huh?

Hubby? I love your face.

Gucci Mane likes feet and bubble baths.


Lol. So ASDA delivery dude comes to drop off the shopping and he's like "That a lot of putting away". I'm like "I enjoy it. It's therapeutic". He's look at me and says "you must be a good wife". I'm like "nope I just have OCD". He laughs, but I'm pretty sure it was a nervous laugh.

Am I a good wife?

So The hubby calls me up this morning and asks me about a Girls Aloud track and then gets his boyfriend Neil I-don't-know-what-his-second-name-is to prank call me and then calls me again to ask if he can speak to Monica Thalukdher - who I informed him has emigrated to Botswana with her blonde, voluptuous Venezuelan girlfriend having killed and buried husband in the new foundations of the Tetley's site.

So Lunch with the hubby and we walk past this phone box, and inside it, on a post-it note says the words "MASSAGES" and a phone number. 


My favourite thing about meeting with the hubby is seeing all the office people completely perplexed as to why I'm here, the face is all "but you're not meant to be here!".

Bitches, how about you have a conversation with a girl before you form your half-assed opinion?

We do this thing, like every 6th is a  special day so yeah this was on the 6th:
Candles, chairs with bows, kitchen towels in a loveheart, milkshakes and toast with lovehearts and initials.

Breakfast with my Hubby.

Kissing profile picture of couples who kiss ugly. 

I don't want to see that shit.

Excuse me, My hubby?

I just wanted to tell you that I am madly, irrevocably, manically, undeniably, unavoidably, perfectly, crazily, painfully, accidentally, blissfully, unequivocally, fanatically in love with you. 


Planning to racially abuse my mate then drug and dress her.

I swear I'm gunna get banned for my status'. Lol.

So that's it!

Lol I hope you lot find it as funny as I do. 



Tuesday, 17 December 2013

My Top Ten Faves

Okay so it's been a few months since I did a top ten and I think I should do a new one. 

1) Elvive Nutri Gloss Crystal Shampoo and Conditioner

I LOVE this shampoo. I have to change my shampoo every few months, idk why my scalp just like starts getting like flaky or oily depending on what my body decides but this is one I can go back to over and over again. It makes my (really thin and usually falling) hair feel thick and strong. Super silky, great shine and my hair seems to have less tangles and knots. It's not greasy and cleans really well. Plus it's pink, sparkly and smells nice. I love seeing in the corner of my shower!

2) Vo5 Smoothly Does It Curl Defining Mousse

OMG I love this mousse. I was never really a mousse girl - it was all about sprays for me, that and creams or cremes whatever you want to call them. But yeah I recently have notice that with my thicker hair and it being so long it tends to become flat so with this it gives it a cute little bounce and a bit of volume at the roots. It's great. I've not used it for curling but I'm sure it would be great.

3) Dental Floss

I'm really into my dental care atm its becoming one of my OCDs which is fun but yeah I do love Dental floss I have with a pack that I keep with me. I floss everyday three times and its really enhanced my smile. I've always had quite stained teeth, not like filling and cavities, just not very white - I think it's all the coffee and sweets plus I'm asian; we basically bleed oil and turmeric but yeah it's really improved. There are tutorials on the Colgate website to show you how to properly do it. I don't really think there is much difference between floss so I just use which ever. They last forever.

4) Wisdom Quantum Clean and Protect Alcohol Free Mouthwash 

Okay so I love mouthwash but they burn like hell in my little mouth but this one is really good. It doesn't burn and is alcohol free! But yeah I use this everything I floss and brush. It just makes the clean feeling last longer. I love it.

5) Cranberries
I love cranberries. I always have, my friend had a small bush of them at the bottom of her garden that were super yummy but the supermarket ones are good too. I love them in a fruit salad, on their own, juice and dried. They just taste great. They are full of antioxidants and good things! They help fight urinary tract infections, they're good for your heart, great for your immune system, its even said that they are good with anti-cancer stuff, they help fight against plaque and apparently are a thumbs up when it comes to diabetes. So they are great if you are an overweight, diabetic, cancer patient with heart problems, bad teeth, a UTI and a cold... Tbh cranberries are not really gunna help much if that is your life. 

6) My tiny little plants

I have these two little house succulents. They are adorable. I'll put up a picture on the Facebook page!  I love them. I water them and talk to them. I look after them. It's like they are my first living creature to look after. Then I get my cat!!!! My little Bengal cross. OMG I was going to get a pure breed Bengal but then I noticed they have funny faces when they grow up and aren't very fluffy so now I want a Bengal/Maine Coon cross breed so its still really intelligent and cute but its fluffy too. I cannot wait to get it. OMG I'm going too be it so much. I think I might just become crazy cat lady. 

7) Red Lipstick

I know you can wear red lipstick at anytime with anything but I have like times and seasons I like to wear it and the festive season is definitely one of them! I kiss-proof my lipstick and here's how...

How to kiss-proof your lipstick:

Step one - Scrub your lips with a wet flannel or lip scrub (I use the LUSH Bubblegum Lip Scrub it tastes like heaven, last for ages and is great!

Step two: Apply lip balm. Leave it on for a while, maybe do your eye makeup. I usually apply my foundation while its on.

Step three: Wipe the lip balm off gently and the apply your desired lipstick. 

Step four: Dust on baby power or any other translucent powder. Make sure you get into all the creases in your lips, it helps to open your mouth as wide as possible when you're doing so.

Step five: Apply another layer of lipstick and dust again. 

Step six: Kiss away!

8) Old Music

OMG I cannot get enough of old music like late '90s and early millennium. It's so bad. I'm like listening to really bad boy bands, pop and Cassie - Me and You. I just can't get enough of it, idk why. My hubby keeps taking the piss but then I know all of his secret loves! Lol. 

9) Scarves

I used to wear scarves all the time but then I stopped. Idk why I just did now with this weather I'm doing it again. OMG so many nice scarves around atm but I am still very much addicted to this one that I got in BD for Eid like years ago but loads of places do them. I'm really loving like solid colour ones as oppose to patterned ones. I think they really pull an outfit together! Primark have like an entire wall of them, H&M have some wonderful ones and NewLook too! Nothing better than a snuggly, soft scarf to burrow into when you're sipping your Starbucks!

10) Movies nights

I'm really into movie nights lately. Like popcorn, sweets, home made nachos, a bunch of movies and a duvet. It's cosy, warm and a grey way to spend a cold winters evening. You spend what like £50 when you go to the cinema, get back late, that fuzzy feeling when you leave the cinema and then when you get back you're shattered but if you have a movie night you spend £20 on movies and another £10 on snacks, you can invite friends round, do face masks and nails or you can have a romantic evening in, put in a DVD and then pause it half way through to make out like teenagers at the back of a cinema! Lol. 

So yeah that was my top ten :)



Friday, 13 December 2013

Stuff in my...

1) Handbag
Okay I have so much crap in my handbag. My husband has this really annoying tendency to put rubbish in it. I'm not even kidding. My gorgeous bag and he puts sandwich packaging, crisp packets and other food stuff in there. It's funny until I clean my bag and I get like a shower of crumbs. Ugh. So yeah. I have sweets in my bag like all the times - Wrigleys Extra Mints, Cherry Drops and Cherry Chuppa Chupps lollipops. Oh and milk sweets, I have like random dips in my sugar levels that make me dizzy and stuff so like a sweet picks me up until I can get home or somewhere I can get something to eat. The usual emergency girls stuff for those bloody mishaps. My iPod and headphones, mittens, my hat, a plastic cutlery set, a lighter (not because I smoke, just out of habit), loads of receipts, hairstick, hair band, a nail file, change. My purse has my cards, pictures of my family, library cards, perfume cards. The weirdest thing I found in my bag was a mini skateboard. I'm not sure how it got there, I mean I have mini skateboards in my house to play on the car mat with but I'm not sure how it got there. I used to keep a pen and notebook in there for like jotting down ideas but then I have like the notes on my phone. It's just so much easier and I don't have type it up after. Ummm... What else is in there... About it really. You know what girls should keep in their handbags more than they do? Condoms. I don't understand why its okay for dudes to carry one in their wallets and no one bats an eyelid but if a girl carries on then its like "OMG she is a slag". It's like no how about if she had a billion STI's then she would be a slag. Say idk if a carry condoms in her purse then its not that she is like out to get "it" but if she happens to then she is covered, or rather he is covered. I just think a) the stigma around girls carrying condones needs to fuck off and b) girls need to take more responsibility when it comes to contraception but not just from a pregnancy aspect but from a STI aspect too. It may not even be the guy who has the STI so why should you be letting some one poke around with the danger of passing it on to them. That's not fair. All he wanted was to get laid and he got a nasty disease because the poor dude thought you were hot and enough so to give him a boner and what did you do? Give his best mate a freaking trip to the GUM clinic and course of antibiotics. That's not nice. And vice versa you think he's fit and want to get down and dirty with him, fine, I mean I don't like promote premarital sex but I'm not stupid enough to think people don't but if you are, wouldn't you rather be safe than sorry? There are so many ways of incorporating the condom into sexy time so why not? And if a guy says he doesn't want to wear one because he doesn't like them, then ask him if he likes babies cuz in nine months you are gunna have one. He really isn't worth the risk. Babies are an amazing thing but there is a time and a place in your life where it's meant to happen for all the right reasons.

2) My Medicine Cupboard

Contains medicine. However it does contain Nair, we all know my love for Nair, also my tooth brush, toothpaste, dental floss and mouth wash (I'm like dental hygiene mental lately - I brush my teeth/floss/mouthwash three a day now; before it was like I brushed my teeth twice a day, mouth wash before bed and flossed twice a week and when needed), scented panty liners (I know scented anything is bad for you but I just can't do without them), three packets of unscented baby wipes, extra exfoliation gloves, Boots cucumber face mask and the eye gel from the same range, Vaseline, Elvive Nutri-Gloss Crystal Shampoo and conditioner (my love and content when it comes to my hair, I always go back to it after using different shampoos), V05 Smoothly Does it Curl Defining Mousse (so good adds bounce and volume to my flat long hair) also Loreal Matte and Messy hair spray (just to add that bed heady, Kate Moss look to it).

3) My pocket right now 

Well right now I've got my yummy pink fluffy massive night gown on (omg everyone should legally own one of these. They are like heaven in a fabric) It's sooooo soft! I'm living in this thing atm. But yeah in the pocket right now are... Bells. Let me explain, I LOVE BELLS. I love the sound of them, the look just everything about bells I love. And so now when I walk or move I jingle. It makes me happy. I'm like an overgrown Asian Tinkerbell, plus my hubby thinks its cute. Oh wait I just found sweets too. Oooh Celebrations and the Malteaser one. I like that one. I shall eat it. 

So yeah that's basically it. 



Thursday, 12 December 2013

Skinny little bitch

Okay so as I have mentioned many times before I'm kinda small. I'm only 5'3 and I weigh between like 39-46kg (6.2-7.3stones). It depends on things like if me and my hubby argue (omg its a rare occurene but the two of us can't sleep or eat wheb we argue, its funny because we are pissed off but we still miss eachother) which means I drop like a 3-4kgs per day or if I'm sleeping okay. I drop wright like crazy and then it's so hard to put it on. But once like its on and I can maintain it for like a few weeks then I know I've put weight on. It's so weird. 

Now I'm not gunna even begin to pretend I'm naturally this skinny because that would be a lie. Eating disorders run in my family and I had all the makings of an Ana-Mia girl. I'm not pro for either but I'm just saying I know how it feels. The people I know that suffer/suffered with it don't do it for attention and thats what people don't seem to understand. For the people I talk to it's not about having a thigh gap or abs. It's about goals and control. Control over the one thing you can control, at times where you have none (or may feel like you have no control) - your own body. I have odd days where I can feel myself have urges but I suppress them and talk to the ones I love about it. I have too much to love/lose now to let EDs control my life. I'd love to be able to talk to you about my experiences but... Idk. I know I do reveal a lot about myself in my blog and I do try to be as open as possible but its just not something I can do. I'm okay now but sometimes, just sometimes I miss being as skinny as I was and I miss that feeling in my stomach. I'm not ashamed of it because missing it means I'm not doing it anymore which means I'm still better. Idk.

I can't talk to you however I know someone that can...

So I knew a young lady who wanted to talk about her experience with Eating Disorders This is not a guide or in anyway promoting ED. Please if you are suffering: Get Help.

This is her story. (Some people may find this disturbing/upsetting).

"OMG you're so skinny, I wish I was as skinny as you"

That was all I ever heard and I hated it, all I could think was stop noticing, how can you notice - I wear baggy clothing, I don't come out, I never talk about how much I weigh. How? How? How are you still noticing? I try so hard to hide it. I have to try harder. Try harder. Try. Harder. 

That's all I was ever doing - trying harder. 

Trying harder to find ways to hide food, skip meals, fast. Trying harder to find new places to hide painkillers, foods that are easy to throw up, new places to cut myself where no one could see, new ways to burn energy. Trying harder to find to come up with excuses why I'm so down, why not to hang out with friends, why my grades were dropping. Trying harder to balance out using perfume and smoking. Trying to explain why all the pads in the bathroom aren't used. Trying to explain why I forget thing or why I faint. Trying to explain why I won't go to the doctors with anyone. Trying to explain why I'm off school on certain days so that I don't have to say I'm at hospital. Trying to hide everything for my mum. Trying to hide. I wanted to hide so much. Sometimes it wasn't hide, sometimes it was just not exist... Completely. Just die. I was suicidal sometimes, a few times.

Trying to gain control.

For me it was always about control, not being skinny; being skinny was just a welcomed byproduct of my insane controlling habit.

Drink coffee you burn on just energy and not calories. Eat high sugar foods for a boost throughout the day. Smoke you burn calories. Eat a cube of chocolate to get rid of the smell of smoke - it works better than gum. Exercise a few times a day just in case. Eat flavoured sweets to make sure you don't smell like vomit. Don't sleep more than three hours. Be cold you use more energy. 

I lived on sweets, coffee and self harm. That was my life. I lived and breathed it. I thought it was me controlling something in my life but it was Ana and Mia controlling everything. They were like the best friends I never had - like The Plastics in Mean Girls, except it wasn't that you'd never pick a skirt out with out consulting your friends, it was everything. What I ate, what I spoke about, how I dressed, my hobbies, everything, down to the way I breathed. 

That's how I see them. Like people. Like the bullies at school who have that one girl in there clique that they keep just to torment. That's what it was like. I so desperately wanted to listen to them, it felt like they were on my side because I had convinced myself that I was the one in control. They were just helping me stay focused, giving me tips, making sure I could keep going. Like they were the only ones that understood what it was like for me. They were the ones that cared - no one else did.

God, I shut so many people out at the time. My mum, my friends, my teachers. They just wanted to know what was wrong with me. But every time they asked out of care and love, those two (Ana and Mia) would be in my ear making it out like they were being malicious and nosey.

See with EDs it's not just it, loads of other things come along with it. Don't get me wrong, ever since I was a child I had, had problems with food but it wasn't until I hit my teens that things escalated. For example I started hallucinating, a lot. I would hear voices out of sheer delirium. I started self harming a) to use up more energy and b) to deal with with the emotional pain I was going through at the time. I became very hot and cold. One minute I would be like I was on crack, the next I would be in tears locked in a toilet cubicle. It was one of the most confusing times of my life.

But with help I got through it. First I admitted it to my teachers, they knew but it was good to hear it from my mouth, I got counselling. Then it was my mum that was certainly harder. But it was okay, I got support and she helped me to stop lying to Her. Then the doctors came in properly, I got a food diary to keep to and write in. I started a personal diary to help me deal with the emotions. That was the hardest, well writing it was the easy bit - it was reading it back and trying to understand that the thoughts and feelings I was having were unhealthy/wrong and trying to explain that to other people like my councillor/doctors.

It's been a long time since me, Ana and Mia have met up. Sometimes we see each other in passing but we never talk or acknowledge each other. But I know they know I've seen them and vice versa... I know it's not very detailed but its all still really fresh in my mind - you know open wounds and all that.

I'm in love now and I'm closer to my mum.  Two things I never thought could happen.

But the most shocking thing is:

I'm happy. 

If you're suffering please get help. Right now, I'm here and I'm telling you things get better. If I could reach through the screen right now and hold your hand during the whole thing I would. You have someone in your life that you can turn to. I promise you that there is someone. Find them. Please, please, please get help. You can be happy, you just need to take that step and want to be happy. I know it hard - believe me I do, but its something that will change you for the better. Your ED will always be there but this time you really will be in control of it.

Hugs and kisses,

Ana and Mia's ex best friend


I hope that wasn't to much of a heavy subject for my readers, its just idk. It's close to my heart. There are so many avenues that you can take to seek help sweeties so please do.

Anyways, as always,



Friday, 6 December 2013

Stuff women do that are weird as fuck

1) Vajazzling
Or however the fuck you spell it. Why do women want glittery vaginas? It makes no sense. At what point did someone say "Hmmm... Women like glitter... Lets put it not only on their knickers but in them too!". If I was a guy and my girl stripped off to show me a sparkly love heart on her bits I'd be like "Wtf?! I'm not in anyway turned on by that, why would I be? It's a spangled vag". Like just why? I can just about deal with the stick on kits you do by yourself but like the ladies who go to a salon and lay back with your legs open, for a very nice technician to individually apply Swarovski crystals to your hoo-haa, you my strange friends are just... Weird. Leave your self alone. 

2) Bleaching
Okay I don't mean your 'tache cuz Lord knows I could do with a session. I mean... Bleaching your... anhushush... your anhniseasin... your a...n... Okay I can't do. I can't say it. I find it mortifying that at some point someone had a mirror up there and thought "my genitalia... it err... it could do with a bleaching.  Yeah". Who the fuck bleaches their fun park and no-no-zone? Seriously, apart from pornstars. If you're worrying about what colour your labia and anal skin is you seriously need a fucking life. Genuinely. I mean like join a fucking club or something, get a damn hobby. Just like anything because if you have time to worry about that then you just have far to much time on your hands. 

3) Pubic Styling
Okay I get like trimming your bikini line and going all out bald but like I don't understand how a love heart of pubes it in anyway erotic. Just because its a love heart doesn't make it nice. Oh here is a love heart of dead mice. Wait!! Why are you crying?! It's a love heart though!! Just because its in the shape of a love heart doesn't make it cute. Chocolate love heart- cute. Love heart card - sweet. Love heart in candles - adorable. Love heart on pubes? No. Just no. And then there are the weirdos that get like initials of their other half styled into their pubic hair - I love you so much I wrote it in my pubes!!! Just no. Like don't get me wrong I think having your partners name on you is really cute like a tattoo or like idk doodling with a pen on your arm, tbh I'd even be okay with writing it in blood (Omid Jalili sketch reference) but just why on your lady garden. What if they have like a really long name with lots of initials or like you have a really small garden. Just please ladies quit that shit.

4) Obsess over men who will never know who they are
George Clooney is a good looking man but he will never ever ever ever ever ever ever give a fuck about you, love. One Direction? Also don't care. Justin Bieber will also never know who you are. Get real crushes  and get a life. Just stop it with the crying, screaming, fan girling. You have a fucking uterus (do you know how strong and durable that thing is?), act like it.

5) Fake it
Lady, if you aren't being pleased the way you want, speak the fuck up. Seriously he isn't mind reader. Just tell him instead or that while masquerade ball you put on of about fifteen minutes of going at it like the Herbal Essence lady - "Yes!! Yes!! Yes!!". Ugh.

6) Go after alternative men
I don't mean like Chris Martin -yoga and peace or Russell Brand -sex, (no) drugs and rock and roll, I mean younger men, older men, gay men and married men. He's gay - by definition he likes men, are you a man? Do you have dick? No, then sit the fuck down and leave the poor man alone. Married men are already taken, how would you like it if a women did the same to you? Fucking get your own man, you're the kid that always wanted what someone else had. Younger men... You're a MILF or just a cougar you will serve no purpose but to be a box ticked off of his sexual bucket list of depravity. Older men, they are using you - just like your daddy when you were younger they will leave you high and dry when you need them. Get counselling, don't let him near you. You're not going to find yourself in any of these adventures- you will just lose a small amount of self respect and dignity each time you allow yourself to be sucked into the ever vicious cycle. 

7) Frenemies
The two words put together are just a paradoxical juxtaposition. Get some real friends and get a life. You don't like them? Fucking tell them. "I DON'T LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A TOTAL SLUT". It's not hard to say. Make some real friends, ones that will stand by you forever, ones that will pick you up off the floor, brush you down, pat you on the ass and send you on your merry way back into the world with a Starbucks and smile.

8) Act stupid to get attention. 
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.Just no. Boys like girls. We know this. Boys like easy girls, no, correction boys like getting laid and easy girls that act stupid make getting laid easy. You do not in anyway have to dumb yourself down to get a guy to like you, if you do, you're dumber that you are acting. If he is stupid then that's cute, but you acting stupid makes you fake. Fake - never lasts in a relationship. Just please don't do it. Equal rights and all that shit.

9) Stay in shitty relationships
If you are being abused in any shape, way or form then leave. Tell someone. Do something. You are not an object to be enslaved. If you're not happy for what ever reason then change it. You only have one life don't live it out with a douchebag that treats you wrong and you don't love. If you're not with the right person that means they aren't either and by extension the people you are meant to be with either will never find the right person or are also with the wrong person. It just goes on and on. Don't be that girl. Don't look back on your life and wonder why you were never happy. You deserve to be happy, everyone does. Apart from like paedos and shit. They can rot on Hell.

10) Thinking men are the lower species
They aren't, you know? All those times someone says women are the stronger gender, respect women - you came from one. Well you came into the world cuz a guy came. Without that you wouldn't be here. I don't get why ejaculating or giving sperm is seen as such a small thing. You have all your eggs sat in you ovaries when you are born, honey. You didn't do much before conception. I get it you know they whole pregnancy is a big deal. I just don't understand why men are put down so much. If men hadn't been around in the early stages of the world we wouldn't be here. It was them to fended and foraged for us. They hunted and looked after us. I understand equal rights and shit but before all of that you know not all men are controlling some of them just want to look after you. Love you and cherish you- how is that bad? For the first however many hundreds of thousands of year that it was that men were the main breadwinners in which ever sense, they did do it - they didn't complain about it much. As far as they saw it they were looking out for us because we were fragile, little creatures of wonder and whimsy. 
So yeah, that's that. 

Thursday, 5 December 2013

What the actual fuck?

OMG I just want to tell the person that googled 'breastfeeding and my tits' and somehow ended up on my blog that you are my hero. You must seriously be frustrated with your tits if you need to google it. I'm not a mother so I've no real advice for you apart from cold white cabbage leaves on boobs help calm soreness, oh and primrose oil helps too... So I'm told :/ lol it's no wonder everyone thinks I'm a lesbian all I talk about are boobs and girls! 

OMG speaking of girls to the person that googled 'Amy Wilberton porno' and then decided "fuck having a wank! I might just read this girls blog instead" thank you for your time LOL seriously that's so funny like I have google hits which is nice bit it's usually things like the name of my blog and such, I wonder what will be the strangest thing someone googles and then ends up only blog. 

So I was thinking I wonder if I have offended anyone on here because if I have, then you should probably stop reading my blog. I'm just going to get more so. Cuz like I have view from places like Isreal and Algeria and I can't imagine my humour and generally me tbh would go down too well in places like that... I'm obviously wrong though. My favourite place that I get view from is Russia which is where after the UK and US I get most of my views from like I can understand America and Britain liking me but I just never thought anywhere else in th world would. I mean don't get me wrong I love the fact that people are reading my blog, hopefully laughing at me and my ridiculous ways but I just never thought it would be something that would happen on nearly every continent. It's so cool because I find out about places I never even knew existed or have heard of only a few times.

 A friend of mine just told me to wash my mouth out due to my vile profanity laden speech lol I have all but one thing to say to that - FUCK OFF!

OMG I think I was dying the other day. Like my back felt like it was snapping in half. Have you watched the film Stardust? You know when Septimus gets all voodoo dolled and the witch is like controlling him and he is trying to kill Tristan that like snapping noise he makes when she stands him upright was what I think my back was doing. It was soooo bad. My husband decided it was funny he was like "awwwww my little bidi" I'm like "AAAAAHHHH?!??. 

I know I'm going to give you an insight into my social media habits. 

So lets start with YouTube! I'm obsessed in YouTube especially the beauty gurus. 

I love this girl, Keren

She makes like the best tutorials - lots of no heat curls and such. She also has a blog and is super easy to follow too. 

I love CutePolish- I'm pretty sure you all know her!

I spend a lot of time on the Sky news site just catching up on the world and such. I'm on Facebook like my freaking life depends on it - it is so bad. I'm trying to like cut down instead of a billon status' like maybe a million. Idk that's it's really. I'm not on twitter anymore, I'm not on Instagram or tumblr I don't do that kinda thing really. I'm not really that good at takeoff pictures of a cup and being like OMG! Coffee!! It's like who gives a fuck? I'm sure there are people who actually use Tumblr properly but like I don't get Instagram. Tbh I miss Bebo, it was so much better. You could send love, have videos on your profile that would start playing when someone clicked on your page, you could have quizzes and polls, pictures and skins! OMG Bebo skins were the best like ugh. Facebook in comparison is kinda shit. I never had MySpace - wasn't my scene. 

OMG it is so windy outside. Like I'm pretty sure when I go out I'm going to get blow away! I'm so damn sleepy. Like I can barely keep my little eyes open. Ugh. 

Anyways now I'm just waffling shit. I really need to stop blogging gene I've nothing to say. It just ends up as nonsensical verbal vomit... Vomit is such a gross word. Vomit. Yuck. 

As always,



Wednesday, 4 December 2013

Good fucking morning.

My hubby bless his cotton socks is not a morning person, but I'm used to that - my sister is literally evil reborn in the morning, shes so pretty and then like she goes all grudge on you just cuz you woke her up. OMG snuggles with younger siblings! How yummy are they to snuggle? I used to love waking the kids up every now and again like you spend a few minutes poking them as then just get in with them and its like all warm and cozy - my sibling still smell like babies (does that make sense?) so it's even yummier!! We just fall asleep again and my Maa would come in like "OMG YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE!" And we're like "aaaaah!!". Lol.
You know growing up like Prince Charming was like the perfect height and that was like your head snuggled  with his chest perfectly and you had to tip toe to kiss. So that means he had to be maybe 4-5 inches taller than you. Well I always said that my hubby had to be taller than me by my hand. Does that make sense? That was like my little thing. If he was exactly that much then he was obviously on the right track. Well my hubby is exactly that. It's so cool. We are so different is so many ways but like we fit, I love it - it's like idk neither of us are perfect but we are for each other.
I was reading some stats about like how many times a couple should kiss and say "I love you" so like I was thinking about how much my hubby and I, do so.
So kissing... Lemme work it out... I get on average two kisses while I sleep (my husband is a light sleeper and kisses me every time he wakes up), then when he wakes up I get another one... **indistinguishable mumbling*... Five... Twenty four... Fifty... Sixty seven... I'd say like 152 kisses and that just counting the ones he gives me that are like pecks and not the ones I give him or the proper kisses. For every kiss he gives me and I give one back later on and then like we have proper kisses like at least 25 times a day. So all in all... Umm... I'd say on a week day, around about...a shit load. Yup. That sounds about right.
Now how many times I say "I love you". Like all couples do we kinda have like our own little language so the actual words "I love you" I say roughly forty to fifty  but then in my own way I say it like at least another thirty times and again that's on a week day were he is at work for like six hours (but we meet up for lunch) and only counting the times I say it (initially) without adding the times he does (initially, not as a response). I was just read a thing on Cosmopolitan (like my holy grail, idk why we use that phrase it kinda weird considering depending on which meaning you go with its either a search for like a special cup or if you've read Dan Brown's books - The Virgin Mary's womb, not wanting to cause offence obviously) and the lady on it is like "OMG I TELL MY BF I LOVE HIM LIKE 12-15 TIMES A DAY LIKE RANDOMLY AND IT'S LIKE SO WEIRD WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?", so now I feel like a bit of a strange one. But like then again that's the relationship my hubby and I, have. We are apart for like six hours and even then we make sure we meet up for an hour at lunchtime but it feels like ages.

We constantly talk and text, we have been together since September '11 and haven't stopped talking since - its a wonder we still have things to talk about, we never get bored of one another's company, there are never any awkward silences. I'm pretty sure we have fit more into our relationship that most couples have it theirs that are of the same length. We know each other far better than most couples. We can talk about pretty much anything. The thing I love most about my marriage is that we are a couple but we are also other things like idk for example we are definitely the two naughty kids at school, you know the ones that pulled pranks that's us - we do silly things like take mini traffic cones and play in parks until the stars come out. We are each other best friends which means we fight, bicker and take the piss just like you do with your best friends, instead of saying like "hahaha you love *insert weird kids name* haha" we will say "hahaa you love me in you face" and its funny. We have play fights, we play catch, we play foosball, we play air hockey,  I like playing on the car mat with little cars, we play with playdough and moon dough, we play Rock, Paper, Scissors (OMG my predictive text just fixed rock paper scissors to Rock, Paper, Scissors that's so cool) to you know settle an argument, we do these things. We do genuinely play. But then we can also go to the ballet and to live music. We share so many of the same interests but also disagree on a lot so we can have really deep discussions about stuff on the news and important things like equal rights and energy bills to what Dre beat is the best but then it can all disintegrate into tickling and giggles. He takes an interest in what I like and I do the same with him. He hates reading but will always ask me what book I'm reading an what it's about. I am not a recruitment agent but I know who he is working with and the progress he is making with them. The things we don't share in one way we find another way to. Does that make sense?
We have all these things that I'm sure all couples do like he always leaves a slice of pizza for me to have for breakfast because I love cold pizza for breakfast and I always save him the crusts of pizza cuz he likes the crunchy bits. I don't like meat but I'll eat it to make him happy and he doesn't like vegetables but he will eat it if I give it to him to make me happy. We have grown so much together and helped change a lot of things in ourselves that were previously there and we didn't like them but weren't sure how to get rid of them.
I know when I fell in love with my husband, it sort of creeped up on him and was too late to change but once he figured it out he was cool with it. But I don't know why I fell in love with him, I just sorta did, he knows why he fell in love with me. We both have been through so much and worked so hard to be together and to have the way that we are together but it's never been something we would change. Once we knew that the other was "The One" everything else sort of became irrelevant. Giving up or breaking up was and never will be a thing either of us even think of.
We are both exactly what the other one wanted without even knowing it.
No one in the world can or ever will love him, the way I do, more than me and the same goes for him with me.

What do you love about your relationship? 
Anyways, things to do!