Thursday, 12 December 2013

Skinny little bitch

Okay so as I have mentioned many times before I'm kinda small. I'm only 5'3 and I weigh between like 39-46kg (6.2-7.3stones). It depends on things like if me and my hubby argue (omg its a rare occurene but the two of us can't sleep or eat wheb we argue, its funny because we are pissed off but we still miss eachother) which means I drop like a 3-4kgs per day or if I'm sleeping okay. I drop wright like crazy and then it's so hard to put it on. But once like its on and I can maintain it for like a few weeks then I know I've put weight on. It's so weird. 

Now I'm not gunna even begin to pretend I'm naturally this skinny because that would be a lie. Eating disorders run in my family and I had all the makings of an Ana-Mia girl. I'm not pro for either but I'm just saying I know how it feels. The people I know that suffer/suffered with it don't do it for attention and thats what people don't seem to understand. For the people I talk to it's not about having a thigh gap or abs. It's about goals and control. Control over the one thing you can control, at times where you have none (or may feel like you have no control) - your own body. I have odd days where I can feel myself have urges but I suppress them and talk to the ones I love about it. I have too much to love/lose now to let EDs control my life. I'd love to be able to talk to you about my experiences but... Idk. I know I do reveal a lot about myself in my blog and I do try to be as open as possible but its just not something I can do. I'm okay now but sometimes, just sometimes I miss being as skinny as I was and I miss that feeling in my stomach. I'm not ashamed of it because missing it means I'm not doing it anymore which means I'm still better. Idk.

I can't talk to you however I know someone that can...

So I knew a young lady who wanted to talk about her experience with Eating Disorders This is not a guide or in anyway promoting ED. Please if you are suffering: Get Help.

This is her story. (Some people may find this disturbing/upsetting).

"OMG you're so skinny, I wish I was as skinny as you"

That was all I ever heard and I hated it, all I could think was stop noticing, how can you notice - I wear baggy clothing, I don't come out, I never talk about how much I weigh. How? How? How are you still noticing? I try so hard to hide it. I have to try harder. Try harder. Try. Harder. 

That's all I was ever doing - trying harder. 

Trying harder to find ways to hide food, skip meals, fast. Trying harder to find new places to hide painkillers, foods that are easy to throw up, new places to cut myself where no one could see, new ways to burn energy. Trying harder to find to come up with excuses why I'm so down, why not to hang out with friends, why my grades were dropping. Trying harder to balance out using perfume and smoking. Trying to explain why all the pads in the bathroom aren't used. Trying to explain why I forget thing or why I faint. Trying to explain why I won't go to the doctors with anyone. Trying to explain why I'm off school on certain days so that I don't have to say I'm at hospital. Trying to hide everything for my mum. Trying to hide. I wanted to hide so much. Sometimes it wasn't hide, sometimes it was just not exist... Completely. Just die. I was suicidal sometimes, a few times.

Trying to gain control.

For me it was always about control, not being skinny; being skinny was just a welcomed byproduct of my insane controlling habit.

Drink coffee you burn on just energy and not calories. Eat high sugar foods for a boost throughout the day. Smoke you burn calories. Eat a cube of chocolate to get rid of the smell of smoke - it works better than gum. Exercise a few times a day just in case. Eat flavoured sweets to make sure you don't smell like vomit. Don't sleep more than three hours. Be cold you use more energy. 

I lived on sweets, coffee and self harm. That was my life. I lived and breathed it. I thought it was me controlling something in my life but it was Ana and Mia controlling everything. They were like the best friends I never had - like The Plastics in Mean Girls, except it wasn't that you'd never pick a skirt out with out consulting your friends, it was everything. What I ate, what I spoke about, how I dressed, my hobbies, everything, down to the way I breathed. 

That's how I see them. Like people. Like the bullies at school who have that one girl in there clique that they keep just to torment. That's what it was like. I so desperately wanted to listen to them, it felt like they were on my side because I had convinced myself that I was the one in control. They were just helping me stay focused, giving me tips, making sure I could keep going. Like they were the only ones that understood what it was like for me. They were the ones that cared - no one else did.

God, I shut so many people out at the time. My mum, my friends, my teachers. They just wanted to know what was wrong with me. But every time they asked out of care and love, those two (Ana and Mia) would be in my ear making it out like they were being malicious and nosey.

See with EDs it's not just it, loads of other things come along with it. Don't get me wrong, ever since I was a child I had, had problems with food but it wasn't until I hit my teens that things escalated. For example I started hallucinating, a lot. I would hear voices out of sheer delirium. I started self harming a) to use up more energy and b) to deal with with the emotional pain I was going through at the time. I became very hot and cold. One minute I would be like I was on crack, the next I would be in tears locked in a toilet cubicle. It was one of the most confusing times of my life.

But with help I got through it. First I admitted it to my teachers, they knew but it was good to hear it from my mouth, I got counselling. Then it was my mum that was certainly harder. But it was okay, I got support and she helped me to stop lying to Her. Then the doctors came in properly, I got a food diary to keep to and write in. I started a personal diary to help me deal with the emotions. That was the hardest, well writing it was the easy bit - it was reading it back and trying to understand that the thoughts and feelings I was having were unhealthy/wrong and trying to explain that to other people like my councillor/doctors.

It's been a long time since me, Ana and Mia have met up. Sometimes we see each other in passing but we never talk or acknowledge each other. But I know they know I've seen them and vice versa... I know it's not very detailed but its all still really fresh in my mind - you know open wounds and all that.

I'm in love now and I'm closer to my mum.  Two things I never thought could happen.

But the most shocking thing is:

I'm happy. 

If you're suffering please get help. Right now, I'm here and I'm telling you things get better. If I could reach through the screen right now and hold your hand during the whole thing I would. You have someone in your life that you can turn to. I promise you that there is someone. Find them. Please, please, please get help. You can be happy, you just need to take that step and want to be happy. I know it hard - believe me I do, but its something that will change you for the better. Your ED will always be there but this time you really will be in control of it.

Hugs and kisses,

Ana and Mia's ex best friend

<3



I hope that wasn't to much of a heavy subject for my readers, its just idk. It's close to my heart. There are so many avenues that you can take to seek help sweeties so please do.

Anyways, as always,

Love,

Monica
            xxx

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