Friday, 6 December 2013

Stuff women do that are weird as fuck

1) Vajazzling
Or however the fuck you spell it. Why do women want glittery vaginas? It makes no sense. At what point did someone say "Hmmm... Women like glitter... Lets put it not only on their knickers but in them too!". If I was a guy and my girl stripped off to show me a sparkly love heart on her bits I'd be like "Wtf?! I'm not in anyway turned on by that, why would I be? It's a spangled vag". Like just why? I can just about deal with the stick on kits you do by yourself but like the ladies who go to a salon and lay back with your legs open, for a very nice technician to individually apply Swarovski crystals to your hoo-haa, you my strange friends are just... Weird. Leave your self alone. 

2) Bleaching
Okay I don't mean your 'tache cuz Lord knows I could do with a session. I mean... Bleaching your... anhushush... your anhniseasin... your a...n... Okay I can't do. I can't say it. I find it mortifying that at some point someone had a mirror up there and thought "my genitalia... it err... it could do with a bleaching.  Yeah". Who the fuck bleaches their fun park and no-no-zone? Seriously, apart from pornstars. If you're worrying about what colour your labia and anal skin is you seriously need a fucking life. Genuinely. I mean like join a fucking club or something, get a damn hobby. Just like anything because if you have time to worry about that then you just have far to much time on your hands. 

3) Pubic Styling
Okay I get like trimming your bikini line and going all out bald but like I don't understand how a love heart of pubes it in anyway erotic. Just because its a love heart doesn't make it nice. Oh here is a love heart of dead mice. Wait!! Why are you crying?! It's a love heart though!! Just because its in the shape of a love heart doesn't make it cute. Chocolate love heart- cute. Love heart card - sweet. Love heart in candles - adorable. Love heart on pubes? No. Just no. And then there are the weirdos that get like initials of their other half styled into their pubic hair - I love you so much I wrote it in my pubes!!! Just no. Like don't get me wrong I think having your partners name on you is really cute like a tattoo or like idk doodling with a pen on your arm, tbh I'd even be okay with writing it in blood (Omid Jalili sketch reference) but just why on your lady garden. What if they have like a really long name with lots of initials or like you have a really small garden. Just please ladies quit that shit.

4) Obsess over men who will never know who they are
George Clooney is a good looking man but he will never ever ever ever ever ever ever give a fuck about you, love. One Direction? Also don't care. Justin Bieber will also never know who you are. Get real crushes  and get a life. Just stop it with the crying, screaming, fan girling. You have a fucking uterus (do you know how strong and durable that thing is?), act like it.

5) Fake it
Lady, if you aren't being pleased the way you want, speak the fuck up. Seriously he isn't mind reader. Just tell him instead or that while masquerade ball you put on of about fifteen minutes of going at it like the Herbal Essence lady - "Yes!! Yes!! Yes!!". Ugh.

6) Go after alternative men
I don't mean like Chris Martin -yoga and peace or Russell Brand -sex, (no) drugs and rock and roll, I mean younger men, older men, gay men and married men. He's gay - by definition he likes men, are you a man? Do you have dick? No, then sit the fuck down and leave the poor man alone. Married men are already taken, how would you like it if a women did the same to you? Fucking get your own man, you're the kid that always wanted what someone else had. Younger men... You're a MILF or just a cougar you will serve no purpose but to be a box ticked off of his sexual bucket list of depravity. Older men, they are using you - just like your daddy when you were younger they will leave you high and dry when you need them. Get counselling, don't let him near you. You're not going to find yourself in any of these adventures- you will just lose a small amount of self respect and dignity each time you allow yourself to be sucked into the ever vicious cycle. 

7) Frenemies
The two words put together are just a paradoxical juxtaposition. Get some real friends and get a life. You don't like them? Fucking tell them. "I DON'T LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A TOTAL SLUT". It's not hard to say. Make some real friends, ones that will stand by you forever, ones that will pick you up off the floor, brush you down, pat you on the ass and send you on your merry way back into the world with a Starbucks and smile.

8) Act stupid to get attention. 
No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.Just no. Boys like girls. We know this. Boys like easy girls, no, correction boys like getting laid and easy girls that act stupid make getting laid easy. You do not in anyway have to dumb yourself down to get a guy to like you, if you do, you're dumber that you are acting. If he is stupid then that's cute, but you acting stupid makes you fake. Fake - never lasts in a relationship. Just please don't do it. Equal rights and all that shit.

9) Stay in shitty relationships
If you are being abused in any shape, way or form then leave. Tell someone. Do something. You are not an object to be enslaved. If you're not happy for what ever reason then change it. You only have one life don't live it out with a douchebag that treats you wrong and you don't love. If you're not with the right person that means they aren't either and by extension the people you are meant to be with either will never find the right person or are also with the wrong person. It just goes on and on. Don't be that girl. Don't look back on your life and wonder why you were never happy. You deserve to be happy, everyone does. Apart from like paedos and shit. They can rot on Hell.

10) Thinking men are the lower species
They aren't, you know? All those times someone says women are the stronger gender, respect women - you came from one. Well you came into the world cuz a guy came. Without that you wouldn't be here. I don't get why ejaculating or giving sperm is seen as such a small thing. You have all your eggs sat in you ovaries when you are born, honey. You didn't do much before conception. I get it you know they whole pregnancy is a big deal. I just don't understand why men are put down so much. If men hadn't been around in the early stages of the world we wouldn't be here. It was them to fended and foraged for us. They hunted and looked after us. I understand equal rights and shit but before all of that you know not all men are controlling some of them just want to look after you. Love you and cherish you- how is that bad? For the first however many hundreds of thousands of year that it was that men were the main breadwinners in which ever sense, they did do it - they didn't complain about it much. As far as they saw it they were looking out for us because we were fragile, little creatures of wonder and whimsy. 
So yeah, that's that. 

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