Wednesday, 30 April 2014

13 more things about women that fuck me off.

So I came across a few articles on my morning stroll through the Internet and I was like "the fuck? I hate that" and as such I have taken it upon myself to have a rant about it.


1) Fat-free food

I don't want fat free anything. I want food and I want it to be as calorie filled as fuck. I don't watch my weight, I  won't watch my weight and I like to eat. I don't understand this notion that food should be fat free, how about just eat right. Like don't get me wrong I understand losing weight is hard and things like this help but it's not just about fat-free coke and a low-fat ice cream, there is the way you look at food and I don't mean tilting your head, I mean like your relationship with food - I have mentioned I, in the past had a exceptionally bad relationship with food, but now I enjoy it and do genuinely like eating and preparing food. Eating a trifle with or with out fat is still not healthy if you are eating a whole fucking one. You need to think about portions and exercise, you need to think about your metabolism and the way your body uses food. Treats now and then are great and having a high metabolism, like I do doesn't excuse me eating crappy food- not to say I don't but I counter it with good food to. I try to make sure I get as much fruit and veg into my diet as possible, lots of home cooked foods with good ingredients and such, but I also make sure I walk daily and stretch, pelvic floor exercises and such. You can't just want to be healthy and not put in any work. You eat crap and then take a few vitamins and watch the workout channel for 15 minutes and then decide that it's for advanced level yoga fanatics - it's not really the right way of doing it. Little changes help.

2) Compliments
Women apparently love them and I'm just here like "NO. No, no, no, no. Just no". I HATE COMPLIMENTS. They make me come out in like hives and I become all weird. I don't know how to deal with them and I don't like them. I always say something stupid or pull a face to divert it. Like when my husband says something nice I'm like "fish swim in their own poop, that's kinda gross" or something along those lines. If my mates or something do it then I'll just change the subject or try and say something nice back. I don't like being told I'm pretty or a feature of mine is desirable, being told I'm smart makes me forget everything I've ever been taught. Ever. I just can't deal with it, ugh. Okay I need to take an anti-histamine now. Brb.

3) Flowers
Here is my problem with flowers and I know it comes from my Maa but still I just don't like them: They die. It's like "omg I love you so much here is something that tells you that I love you... and it's going to die". Get me food instead, like if my hubby came home with a box of Crispy Kreme I'd be like "wait a second while I go freshen up...". And like Mothers' Day "oh hi mum! You know how much you look after me and did so all these years, well here is something else to look after!". No, dickhead, like literally even if you can't be asked to cook - take her out. Wanna stay home but have the culinary skills of molten lava - go to M&S and get those meals that you have to just heat up and plate up. Make her a fucking card, tidy the house - do anything one thing that makes her day just that little bit easy.

4) Surprises
I cannot deal with surprises - they freak me out. I don't know what is coming and I am so fucking nosey when it comes to me, like I have to know. It's so bad. Surprise gifts are like the hardest thing for me, this is why my husband rarely chooses something of his own accord, he tends to remember things I have squeaked at. If I like something I squeak - it's involuntary. Don't judge my one weird girly thing. He will remember said reaction and object and randomly buy it so he knows I will like it. But even when he buys it he will sort of give it to me when he isn't there. So one instant he went on a shopping spree and then left them outside the door and ran away and call me to see if I liked them - granted that's weird as fuck but it works.

5) Take me along on nights out
Please don't. I don't know your friends. They are really nice and stuff but I just don't fair well with new people - the part of my brain that is meant to make sure I am acting in a way that is socially acceptable or just normal goes on fucking sabbatical and I'm left on my own. I get weird and weird stuff start coming out of my mouth and I can't help it. It's bad. Once I told one of my hubby's friends that his accent made my ears sad... I'm not even kidding. I told my hubby's brand new boss the first time I met him that he had scary eyes. It happens I can't help it. I can't filter and there fore do not take any responsibility for the offence that may be taken upon me opening my stupid mouth. I freak out in the weirdest way.

6) Shopping
I'm not good at shopping. Like I like something and that about it, it's not that I don't want to spend money it's just idk shopping makes me uncomfortable, I'm okay when I'm with my Maa, but otherwise I just wander. I don't like trying clothes on or carrying them or just I don't like shopping. My hubby tends to buy my clothes - he is more interested in me looking nice and done up then I am tbh. He chose and purchased nearly all of my shoes and that's a lot of shoes. He is really cool like that, he knows I will probably get something comfy that I can wear at home as oppose to anything nice that I can wear out. I am proper lame when it comes to things like that - accessories, nail polish, clothes, shoes - I love it all and stuff and up to date with trends and love trying new things but I just can't be bothered. He chooses great colours and clothes always suit me really well but I'm just so lazy tbh. I can't do like girly shopping trips and shit like that. Just no. Stop. If I know I need something like sock or a new t-shirt or jeans or something then I can go get exactly that but yeah that's really the extent of my shopping habits. I don't find solace in shopping, unless it's a book - my hubby got me like £100 worth of books the day we got islamically married as a wedding present, 10 minutes was all it took for me to blow the lot - I would have gotten more but my sister was hungry.

7) Home made special dinners
My hubby isn't domesticated, he can't cook but he tries bless him. There are days where I say "it's your turn to sort out food today" and he will make it his mission to come up with something, so pasta or chips and fish fingers or even a take away and I appreciate that so much but ladies that want complex amazing meals need to quit it - go out to dinner if you want that. It's not what is being made that is important you twat - it's the fact that he has taken the thought to do it and/or that you get a little rest. Those few times they help out, they remember and store for the rest of their lives. Cut some slack and chill out. Honestly women can be so picky sometimes.

8) Want men to be mind readers
Okay maybe I phrased that wrong, guys miss even the most obvious of signals, so don't give signals. You're in a bad mood, say "ugh I'm in a bad mood, this happened..." simple, easy, effective. Don't wait for him to be confused and ask, just be open. Talk about your respective days at the end when you see one another. You may be upset, it may even be his fucking fault unless you tell him he isn't going to know. Stop being a bitch and just speak up. Men are not as intuitive or as empathetic as we females claim to be so just bypass the argument and be happy. It's not hard honestly.

9) Girly nights out
I do not in any shape way or form understand these events. Like seriously, meeting up at one of the girls homes and getting ready all together and drinking a little, then stepping out all done up and going from club to club. Maybe it's because I don't drink it doesn't appeal to me, but I hate crowds and dark dingy places, clubs are my nightmare - I'm not that big of a personality,  but I'm even more quite and relatively nervous around people I don't know. The only person I can stay out really late with is my husband, like we have all nighters that end in us coming home at 4am with a kebab, a baby traffic cone and a flashing security light after having explored random apartment blocks around our area and making out by the river but we were completely sober, neither of us drink - it's not just a religious thing, like don't get me wrong that is a massive influence but like even if I wasn't Muslim I'm 100% sure that I wouldn't drink - The concept of losing any control of my own body and thoughts and no one drinks alcohol because it tastes nice, it appears to be an acquired taste.

10) I'm melting
When it starts raining every chick is like "OMG MY HAIR?!". Seriously ugh gag me with a motherfucking ladle, I don't understand it - it's just rain. Your hair isn't made of some sort of water soluble material, so your hairstyle won't be as perfect love tbh the amount of hair products in your hair is dangerous the water is doing your poor soon to be bald head a fucking favour. 

11) High heels
I love heels, I have heels ranging from 4-6 inch and I will wear them accordingly depending on how much I will be walking, normal day to day is a 5 inch heel. Bad back day - 4 inch heel. Mainly going to be standing in one place? 6 inch, simple. Flats only when my spine plays up. Heels alter your posture and give you confidence, but if your walking like a fucking baby giraffe that shit is not sexy. It's weird as fuck and ladies, heels hurt - get some fucking gel pads, wear lower heels, fucking wear flats - just stop complaining about what you do for fashion. NO ONE IS FORCING YOU. 

12) Checking out guys
I don't mean like single girls - you ladies can perv the fuck out of whoever you please (bar taken men), I mean married/engaged/spoken for in some way girls - why is it okay for you to perv, the whole "look but don't touch", "it's a harmless bit of flirting". NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.  Just no. You are taken -fucking act like it, you hussy. Then I hear someone say "oh but it's okay when men do it" - no it fucking isn't, I judge those wankers too. You're taken you have at home a perfectly good ass and rack to perv on and do way more to, go home and enjoy that. It is never okay to perv or flirt when you are in a relationship.

13) Men's habits in general
Things like leaving the toilet seat up, burping, remote hogging/channel hopping really annoy women... why? Idk. He needs the toilet seat up because doesn't trust his knob to get it in the toilet without it getting on the seat, would you rather you sat in his piss? No, so stfu. You need it down, put it down. Burps and bodily functions - you do them to but in a more private way, he is comfortable with himself and around you, surely that is a good thing. TV is just TV, me and my hubby tend to want to watch the same thing - I've learnt to like watching football and MOTD, I actually enjoy it; my husband on the other hand has found ways to combat boredom while I am watching some random show - he plays on his phone, eats stuff and generally occupies himself. It's a two way thing - if two shows are on and I want to watch one and he wants to watch another we just plus one of them.

I totally grant that not everyone does these things, I'm just generalising.

Love,

Monica
          xxx

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