Thursday, 10 April 2014

20, Housewife and fuck you.

Why is it I always find myself defending my choice to be a stay at home wife when I have no kids?

Like don't get me wrong I have and will pass judgement on women who work when they have kids - like I don't mean the ones who don't want to work but have to work just to put food on the table and make ends meet, those women I respect so much - you are the reason why many generations are stilll alive, I think your work ethic and power to push yourself is phenomenal; I am talking about the ones that have a husband that works, so enough income to cover costs of the child and have the luxury of being able to quit their job but don't, the ones that choose their careers over the child they have given birth to. Or the ones who know they aren't going to really/don't want to be a mother to this child and still have it - like if you know after you have this baby you don't want to be at home looking after it, you want to be at work with a nanny to care for you child- then don't have it. But that's the case with kids, you know they need looking after.

But as soon as you don't have kids it's seen as some sort of waste of life.

People assume you're stupid and you're a gold digger. I get comments like "you must get your nails done all the time" and "what do you do all day?" or my favourite one "don't you get bored with so much time on your hands, why don't you go back to education?". How about no?

Like don't think I was stupid or bad at school. I was an amazing student. I achieved pretty good grades, a few A's here and there; I could have carried on with education - all my teachers wanted me to, my family would have been thrilled but I got to a point whee I couldn't be bothered to prove myself any more. I had been doing it since I was three, it no longer appealed to me. I didn't need a bit of paper after three years of my life to make me happy.  If that's what you want in life and that's what makes you happy, then go you! But that's not me. I know I'm talented not because of some sense of self importance but because at my college interview I presented a few of my own pieces of writing and both interviewers said it was reminiscent of William Blake, I was 16 at the time I had written most of it and I had never been taught to write in the way I did, at the time I blushed (as much as brown skinned people can) and just sort of shrugged it off. It's taken me years but I now know I am a talented writer. Don't get me wrong my blog is just for fun and the way I write here is just the I would when speaking to a friend but my serious writing is pretty awesome but I feel no need to become published or pursue it. It makes me happy to write so I do.

Please don't think I'm against women working or learning because I'm not, I just think everyone needs to take a step back and look at what makes them happy. I know it's a bit hippy but it's true. It's one thing I make all my friends do. You're on the go 24/7, if you're not at college, you are working, when you aren't working you are studying and completing assignments and when you're not doing any of those you're sleeping and eating to find the energy to do them, I'm proud of them for how they handle themselves and work through it all but every now and again I tell them to slow down and have a day of nothing. I am lucky that I get to really look after myself and invest a lot of time in everything I do.

I can take time out for myself and do have a lot of time on my hands but it doesn't mean I'm not doing anything all day. To cook a meal from scratch can take up to two hours - especially bengali cooking and I make nearly all my husbands meals from scratch. Keeping our living quarters clean and tidy to the standard of my OCD and to keep his allergies down, takes a little while too. I have clothes to wash, cleaning to do, food to cook, I go grocery shopping, I plan meals,. I make/take lunch to my husband at his office everyday, I have only ever missed maybe a week or two all added up. I manage to fit in social media, my family and all my friend, even Paco, my housemates dog gets time from me. My working day is a 17 hour shift and sometimes I can do 4 nights a week. I don't get holidays, I don't get sick days, I don't get annual leave, no bonus', no perks, no benefits. When I've argued with my boss there is no way of dealing with it in a professional manner. When I've had a bad day - I have to try and push it aside and be a good wife because I am the sole carer of another human being - his everything is based on my actions.  What I put in is what I get. On the plus side- it's not all doom and gloom the pay is great, I'm sleeping with my boss (which is also g-r-e-a-t), my job is fulfilling and satisfying and I get to do everything my way. It's hard but it's worth it. Every night when I get into bed and look at my husband I know he feels loved and cared for and I know I'm doing my job right. Little things like fresh sheets, clean towels, laundered clothes, clean floors and cook meals last for a few hours, sometimes just a few minutes and always need to be done again, they all seem like really small things but a lot of planning goes into them.

I enjoy my life. I am able to care for my home and husband the way I want to. If I was to study I would never have the time to do all the house hold chores, cook or even give him attention and that would be a great strain on our relationship considering we both crave each other attention like heroine addicts crave shooting up. If I was to work I would barely see him and that would break my heart. This notion that a stay at home wife is some how backwards and non-feminist and all very 1950s is absolute bollocks. There is nothing backwards about choice - I choose to stay at home. If I wanted to study or work my husband would never stop me, he would support my decision and find a way to work with it. I am not a little wife that has no say in the marriage and shimmies along to where ever my husband says - we have an open and equal relationship, he doesn't resent me for staying home while he is out working, he doesn't think his job is more important than mine. If your definition of being a feminist is neglecting my husband and my home, then fuck you and your version of feminism. I work my ass off, if I was to get have a cleaner to clean to my standards, enlist a cook breakfast, lunch, dinner and tea (yes, my husband and I eat four times a day) also including snacks, hire a therapist to be on call 24/7, pay for a car to pickup/deliver my husbands lunch, procure a gym instructor to make sure he is exercising right, obtain a nutritionist to make sure he is eating right, employ a PA to organise his diary and where he needs to be and what he needs to be doing and rent a prostitute for all of his other needs, believe me it would cost a fuck load more than the average woman's salary.

Do yourself a fucking favour and just do what makes you happy and stop thinking you are allowed to speculate on what other do to make them happy?

Lots of Love,


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