Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Faaaaaaaaaaaacebooooook, bitches.

Sat downstairs at the table and I was like "hey what should I write about?". I wasn't sure so I thought I would write a Facebook-centric blog post. These are always funny to me, I always wonder what on earth you guys think about my day to day ranting and if you think I'm really weird. So yeah here you go.

So the strangest thing happened to me. 

I was washing my hair in the shower as you do and I had my eyes shut and I sneezed like five times. 
I'm pretty sure that the first time I've been awake and sneezed with my eyes shut prior to sneezing. It was entirely unnerving for me.

"Baby squirrel yous a sexy motherfucker"

Wait. What are you on Bruno Mars?

I'm going to eat cheese and Lactose intolerance can go fuck itself.


I want a kitten so bad.


Mend-it Moni here. 

How may I help you?

The cool thing about silence is that it can't be misquoted, however it can be misinterpreted.



I feel like Mr Krabs from the "Shell of a Man" episode.
Moulted.

I need a thug ladder.


SO FUCKING BORED.

I have resorted to eating toast because I'm that bored.

It's funny - three of my best friends don't really have a choice in being my friend, they have to be and soon I get a new best friend.


Waking up after a weird dream and just n o t knowing what to do with yourself.


So my brother is going through the early stages of puberty. 


I remember when he was born and he'd pee on his own face.

Made the crappiest little fairy cakes but I don't even care cuz I got stickers in the box.


So in bed discussing what gains brownie points

Me: If you bring home anything from Patisserie Valerie, you won't be able to get me off of you. Like you'll have to prepare yourself mentally. 
Raj: Mentally? Wow. 
Me: Yup. I will get kinda rapey.
Raj: I like it when you get rapey. 

Omg I need to get my blood pumping and energy levels up. 

I'm like an obese hibernating turtle that was given rohypnol by a sloth atm. Ugh.


So 'Blurred lines' was the best selling single of 2013, a song that notably made Robin Thicke a universal perv and may have ended his marriage... What I don't get is why aren't Pharrell Williams or T.I getting any stick for it? Pharrell produced it and co-wrote the track. And the video wasn't directed by Thicke it was directed by a women - Diane Martel, who may I add also directed Miley Cyrus' 'We Can't Stop'. So why is it only Thicke that got a laying into? Williams looks quite happy about the whole situation, if I'm honest and T.I... well that little dance he did was awkward enough, I kinda wanna believe it's his like strange mating dance.

But he is a bit of a perv though.

Paco is such a funny dog.


So the brain named itself. 


The Body Worlds Exhibitions are sick. Actual human bodies preserved through Plastination then displayed in "artistic poses"- so basically advanced human taxidermy. I can't find anything that justifies the degradation of human life like the exhibitions do. If it was for educational purposes then it should be kept in educational facilities not hauled all around the world for people to pay money so they may visit them. I can't justify the bodies being posed in manners such as during sex or with an 8-month fetus visible within the womb. I can't understand the fetus' that are being held in plastic suspension, the child never lived and now will never find peace. The Plastination method itself is so wrong, in short the fat and water of the specimen is replaced with plastics and preserving chemicals, but if you read how it is done stage by stage you begin to feel sick. The bodies are all donated and consensual but let me ask you how do you gain consent from a fetus that never lived? From the parent? I'm sorry but if as a parent you are fine with the idea if your child being put through that process, then you really need to take a long hard look at yourself. When they donated their bodies did they know they would be, in one case holding what appears to their own skin over their shoulder as if it were a jacket? Or any of the many disrespectful poses that are claimed to be artistic? 
It's sick and twisted.


When your husband gets hot at night so he opens the window and then spends the entire night hogging the duvet. I must really love you, hubby.


Lettice Rosie Rowbotham
I love you so much, you smashed hot mess.

5% battery

Ugh. Must. Get. Charger.


Omg just found the book I have spent 5 years searching for.

Teddy Tales by Sally Grindley

I love people that say you don't have to turn into a whale and become lazy when you're pregnant - no, you are right, you don't have to but then again you didn't have grow up to be a judgmental bitch yet you are :)



Three words, eight letters - say it and I'm yours...
"I got cake".
Yaaaaaaaaaaaay.


So I'm walking home and there are two little girls and this lady in front of me. One of the little girls turns to the lady and says "mummy, Alice has an invisible cat", she then really violently stomps one of her feet on the ground and again turns to her mummy, all serious and says "I just killed Alice's invisible cat". 
Is it me or does Alice need to keep the fuck away from that psycho child and mother of Alice's friend needs to get her kid looked at?

I won't lie, I rang my Maa in a mixture of stitches and tears from laughing at the little girl.

Cucumbers are like watermelons skinny boring little girl bitch cousin.


So gherkins and dairylea cheese spread is a thing, obviously... in case you didn't know.


Salted popcorn smothered in maple syrup.



How many cups of sugar does it take to get to the moon?
Eeerr three and a half?

Hedgehogs are so round.


So the stomach wants triple chocolate ice cream and a salmon with cream cheese bagel... Also some mixed pickle, mishti and some cheese spread. Maybe a foot-long Subway and Diet coke with ice too. 

However, I will not give into terrorist demands

We do not what we ought,

What we ought not, we do,
And lean upon the thought
That chance will bring us through.

If anyone loves me please send me pistachio Burfi and Jelabi.


They say I talk with so much emphasis,

Oh, they're so sensitive.
Don't ever fix your lips like collagen
Say something were you gone end up apologising.
Let me know if it's a problem man,
Alright man, holla then. - Kanye West


The Boy In Striped Pyjamas
Nope. Last time I watch it, for a week I was having nightmares and I cried every time I remembered it.

You can't make a hoe, a housewife.

- Dr Dre

So when me and my brother were really little I was taking him out of a swing but when I was putting him down his stomach caught my belt as subsequently scratched his stomach. It was only a really thin tiny cut but my brother is like me, he scars incredibly badly. So he still has this scar like years later and I'm like show me so he does and he's like "I feel like Harry Potter on my belly!".


Crunchy nut looks odd when you puke it up.


Wifey time. 

Rajib , I must really love you.

Ugh when did time of nope 'o' clock start exsisting?

When I'm bored I eat or Facebook. For some reason I don't like doing both.




So yesterday Hubby ordered some nuts and kept on saying "get some nuts" and then offered me some after he had done being weird, to which I reply something along the lines of "you're too happy with nuts in your face", he just nods and keeps eating nuts.
So my hubby likes nuts in his face  
I'm not not entirely sure how I feel about this.


So this morning I told my Maa I put a (small) whole orange in my mouth all at once and ate it, she was in no way impressed. 

Why? This is an achievement

I hope you giggled.


Love,


Monica

            xxx

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