Monday, 26 May 2014

Why I feel sorry for dudes and their dicks.

 Cucumbers, those weird dildo things and other mildly phallic representing objects we are issued with when learning to use a condom in Sex Ed. do not accurately represent dicks- not physically, not in size, not in feel, just not in any way but our young and naive minds are tricked into thinking that what we are shown is what a dick will always look like: erect, hairless, veinless and terrifyingly big, and it will feel bendy like those giant school rubbers (hahaha rubbers... Cuz I'm talking about dick and that's another name for condoms... HAHAHAHA. I'm so sorry, I'm finding this funnier than it is, oh god. I can't breathe. Hahaha... Ahem okay I'm... I'm done. *clears throat*) but that's a lie.

This notion is what made me ask the only guy I could when I grew up - my poor hubby - how do you walk? Doesn't it like get in the way? Isn't it awkward?

Also, at no point are we faced with a disembodied penis that still has it's hat on - if you know what I mean? Yet many men will still have a hat. We are tricked into thinking hats are strange and gross. My religion says that dudes must have their hats removed, they say it's more hygienic tbh idk cuz I don't have one but not all men are hatless. So this means women will encounter men with hats - depending on her preference she will react according but it is likely she will be like "eww it looks weird". But men are born with hats - it is only removed due to medical or religious factors so why is this frowned upon. For me it's like we women aren't born with boobs, these things appear and we have to get used to life with them but it's fine, but guys are born with it and then are scrutinised for it. It doesn't make sense to me.

We women think men know when they get "happy" or what ever euphemism you'd like to use but we don't realise it happens for no apparent reason sometimes. They aren't really in control of it tbh. This is why that scene from The Inbetweeners exsists where Simon starts slapping his own knob because it's "not working", they have no control over it - it does as it pleases. Sometimes they are just snuggling and cuddling you and it's all "yeah let's have sex" and they are like "no go back to sleep, I just want to cuddle up". I feel sorry for them. Like our boobs don't do that. You think women are emotional wrecks imagine not being able to control a body part - like if your arm just did it's own thing, a mate of mine once said that "dicks are like lazy eyes" I wasn't really sure what he meant at the time but I get it now. 

We spend many teenage years drawing dicks on things- the faces of our sleeping unsuspecting classmates, work sheets, exercise books, notebooks, wooden science class tables, exam papers with invisible ink... Maybe that was just me. But that's not really what a dick looks like, is it? We draw proportionate testicles, we draw straight shafts and such. Next time your bored and you're about to draw a dick on the corner of your friends work, opt for drawing lady parts instead - I promise you that is some of the most difficult shit you will come across. It's hard to draw a floating anonymous lady garden - but knobs are easy to draw. Bless them. 

At this point I feel the need to point out that I haven't been surveying and charting dicks all my life. It's just an observation made from the years of conversations about said body parts with my teenage chick mates and guy mates. Guys are insecure about their best friends like chicks are about their boobs. We are the same but different. Lol.

I'm not a porn watcher and
I'm not one of those people that could discuss with my friends their porn habits, but from what I can surmise through media and such - the girls are always perfect, like that's everyone's main issue with porn - it portrays women in an unattainable perfect light, so by extension the guys must be of a similar standard. If so that means not only are men being tricked into thinking women must act and look like they do on their screens but they too must act and look like the guys on their screens, furthermore women who watch porn must also be subliminally thinking the same but you know, like the other way around. Now I'm one of those weirdos that watches Embarrassing Bodies - mainly because I can't stop laughing at the plight of others (I know cruel), plus the stories that come out are so funny. However from this show I've learnt there are many dudes out there in the world with bent boners- some due to accidents during acts of debauchery; other just cuz they have a wonky dick, uneven balls and little men that are being secretly punished by none other than themselves - they think they aren't normal.

Differences are normal. Nature in essence is diversity. No two balls are the same, my readers. 

So ladies please for the sake of our lads- stop shaming the little guys, don't point out it's wonky and leave trying to figure out which is bigger, stop wanting six-packs as they are just inflamed muscle just like a twisted ankle, cuz if you do that maybe, just maybe lads will stop wanting girls with perfect asses, perfect boobs and perfect bodies.

We all need to learn to love ourselves and the people we are intimate with, with open eyes and hearts.



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