Wednesday, 28 October 2015

My really fucking weird dream.

  So I had a dream and it was super super weird so I thought I would tell you, because why not?

Okay, so it started with me and my husband having dinner and then I give him his plate of food and he turns around to me and says "I don't want this any more". I'm like okay then "I'll make you something else". He's like "no, I mean - I don't want to be with you any more. I'm leaving so you have to find somewhere else to live... and I'm taking my son". I'm like "what are you on??" and I am just really confused, he leaves and I'm by myself, going into like a weird depressed state and then he's just so emotionless. 

So I move in with my friend Kirsty for awhile, you know untilI get back on my feet and get a job and stuff like that, but I'm still like really really depressed because of the stuff with my son and my husband is gone. While I'm living with Kirsty she finds out her boyfriend is like a jerk and has been cheating on her. She is like "I'm leaving him" and then we go to live in France, so we have a really nice apartment in France it's me, her and her daughter.  We have a really good time but I'm still really depressed, I find a job but I still can't see my son. And my husband won't let me take him to France. But I'm still trying. Then one evening we are sat in the living room and then we see a moth on the window and it is giant and we shit ourselves. We get up and notice there are more on the window, on the wall too. At the top of the wall is one giant caterpillar. We are like "why what the fuck is that?"  and we look up at the ceiling and there is this huge fucking massive mammoth moth. This things got horns and giant eyes and fat legs and it's just disgusting and it starts crawling down the fucking wall. We are screaming and a half way down it turns into this really long lizard-gecko thing, a bit further down the wall it turns fucking fluffy. So it is a fluffy lizard thing, it's really really creepy and weird. It keeps crawling down the wall and it is on the floor, this fucking thing crawls on the floor towards us and then it darts for Kirsty and I get really protective so I smash it with a chair but it's still moving. She starts stabbing it in the head with this cheese knife that was on the table and then it fucking turns into a person but it is Nikki Minaj and she's like half dead. She's cover in stab wounds and her broken bones are sticking out. There is blood everywhere. She is almost done. So we stab her in the heart so she doesn't suffer anymore. We sit on the floor cover in blood, crying but then we remember Kirsty's daughter who will be home soon. We are like "fuck what do you do we?", we are just like so confused so we clean the house, bleach everything. And we get rid of her body, we wrap it up and throw in a river on the other side of town. When we come back to the house there's like a bunch of girls outside the house and they ask me "why did you tell me to shut up?" and I am like "I didn't" and they are adamant someone in the house screamed "shut that fucking music up" and we are like "well it wasn't us" and then she looks at me and says "oh I never see you leave the house. All you do is stay inside, it is fucking weird. I don't like the look of you" and she shoves me. All of a sudden a riot starts, like a full on fucking riot. Everybody is fighting each other. It is absolutely crazy and we don't know what to do. Eventually it calms down and everyone disapates. Then the girl that started it, comes up to me and is like "I'm sorry I don't know what the fuck I was thinking, it is so not like me to go around threatening people" she explains she is in a really bad way, all this shit at work - she is a head chef and we start chatting about food. It turns out we get along really really well and we the same things. We start spending more and more time together over the weeks. And Kirsty feels left behind, she tells me that she is missing home, and wants to go back to Rhys. So she moves back and I am on my own, in this apartment.  Then this random family (who in my dream are my family) come and live with me, then my mum gets pregnant and she has the baby. But my dad goes crazy and I'm like "get the fuck out my house" and he's like "I'm leaving, fuck every body blah blah blah". My mum is really really upset and she say I have to apologise to him and make him stay. I'm like "bye-bye, biatch", he walks out. My mum is all "fuck off, you can live alone" and then they leave. I am stuck in this house again but then this other family rent the other two rooms and live with me. They are a young couple, got three kids and they like living in the house with me. I babysit and stuff. For a while it is cool, one day they fight and he beats her  and I'm like "I will call the police". Randomly, I come home from work early and I walk in on this terrifying orgy, so I run out and a few hours later I call and ask if the house is clean and if it is safe for me to come home. They tell me they are part of this weird sex cult but it is okay they are packed up and going to move. It is like 4am in the morning and I can't sleep so I go to the bridge that me and my husband put a lock on, you know those Lovelock bridges so I start looking for our lock. I'm there for ages. It gets light and people start coming across the bridge again, I'm still looking. I hear my sons voice and I look up to my husband with our son and another woman. I'm like "what the fuck". I lose my shit, grab my son and run. I take him to the house and get some stuff. Empty my account and then we are on the run we go to like Germany, Australia, at one point we are in India. Just living life and on the run. Eventually we get caught at an airport and they take my baby back to his dad and I'm like broken. I come back to Exeter and I'm just aimlessly walking around. I walk into sainsburys...

And then I woke up. Lol! The hubby's alarm went and he attacked me with kisses and morning snuggles. 

Honestly, one of the weirdest dreams I have ever had and I have had some seriously fucked up dreams.


Whats is your weirdest dream?


Thursday, 22 October 2015

Is porn an issue for our generation?

This has nothing to do with the blog but it's funny. 

So this morning I was watching the news and Eamon Holmes and a few others (including Tania Fucking Bryer, who honestly infuriates me to the point where I can actually feel my temperature rise, she just talks out of that face of hers and everything that comes out seems to be outdated, nonsensical fucking bullshit. She is so out of touch that it hurts my ears to hear her voice anything that she thinks in that wasted brain of hers) were discussing the fact that one in three women watch porn on a regular basis and that this is unhealthy, how it distorts the perceptions of what a relationship and sex should be. How it ought to be censored, if not completely blocked. 


Porn is not unhealthy in my opinion (unless its like illegal shit, then you can fucking burn in hell). Not being a user myself I can only go by conversations and media and as far as I can tell porn allows young people to figure out their preferences and dislikes when it comes to sex, without having to actually act it out themselves. Most of the porn that people watch, they don't particularly want to act out. Gawker, The Daily Telegraph and The Huffington Post all have run articles stating that straight women are watching far more lesbian porn than ever, why? When they were asked they said that it was just more visually pleasing and that it was more emotional and pleasure orientated but they also said that they wouldn't want to be with a women in real life. Most of what happens in porn that individuals consume, often doesn't translate over to their own sex life. 

Porn has been a multi-million pound industry for decades, the only things that have changed over that time is the availability of it and the increase of genres. Porn has become something that people can access at the touch of a few buttons, from the comfort of their own home, via any device that can connect to the internet. I'm not saying that all types are healthy and not absolutely terrifying- I'm sure there are many, many, many types of porn that would make most peoples skin crawl (including myself) and turn them off more than anything. But from what I can gauge via media coverage "normal" sex is still the most mainstream. 

What do you want young people to do? If they have casual sex- they are std ridden, reckless sluts/fuckboys with no respect for relationships and the art of "making love"; if they are in relationships you say that they are far too young to be in something so serious and that they should be concentrating on education not getting their rocks off. If they watch porn and masturbate, they are a generation of instant gratification with a warped sense of what sex and the human form. 

In the UK the Sexual Education that we receive is so pathetic, ill-devised and outdated. It is unbelievable how much we are not told and how much is glazed over. Young people are drowning in hormones and you don't teach them enough about sex, you don't want them to have sex, casually or whilst in a relationship and you don't want them to masturbate. When they get roofied and raped you don't protect them, you claim it is their own fault. When they express their sexuality "they are going through a phase". When they don't express themselves, they suffer later on in life because they didn't have much experience when they were young and you tell them they ought to have had "a slutty phase" because "everyone does, it is how you figure out what you like". 

But you adults can have 50 Shades of Fucking Grey, the books and the movies, you can sit in broad daylight and fucking read that shit. 


People can have strange fetishes and act them out but they cannot watch others getting paid to do so. If you are going to censor and ban the viewing of such content, surely you ought to ban the acts themselves. If you don't want people watching it, why would you want people doing it? "Thats is it guys, you can only have sex in missionary, no foreplay for you either and only for 15 minutes on a Saturday because Sunday is the Lords day and we don't want you distracted during the working week. Soz".  

You can have sex at 16 but you cannot watch porn. So if you were to film yourself having sex and upload it to a porn site, you wouldn't be able to watch yourself having sex. The sense that this makes, is hurting my brain. 

Every child is different and they hit puberty at different times and deal with it differently. We need to stop skirting around the main point of puberty and being so embarrassed about it. Stigmatising it is half of what makes puberty so goddamn hard and cringey. Until your child hits puberty, keep parental control on. Things like safe-filtering and blocking sites all together will help you protect your child. You can work together with your service provider to maintain a safe environment for your child to use the internet in, that goes for any device your child uses.  You don't have to be over their shoulder every second of the day to keep them safe.  

I know for a fact that when my son hits puberty and both my husband and I, feel the time is appropriate we are going to unblock certain sites because we as parents, would much rather he was safe and not harming anyone, than getting it on with some random girl behind the bike sheds. I am going to give him as much healthy, constructive and comprehensive information as I can because its what they don't know that drives them to type it into google.  

You cannot stifle sexual desire. Stop giving abstinence as the only option. Don't penalise young people for having feelings. 

Give young people a more detailed, better developed - emotional and physical education of sex. Sex isn't and shouldn't be taboo. It is a natural human desire. Why are we so afraid to talk about it? If we were as afraid of having sex as we are talking about it, the world would be a much more sparsely populated place. 

If you speak to people that work in GUM clinics, I'm pretty sure they will tell you about how little young people really know about keeping safe and sex.

But we also need to give young people  some credit for the initiative they take, abortion rates among teens have gone down, young pregnancies have gone down, STD screening has gone up and the use of contraception is more prevalent. Young people are trying to keep safe. We just need to give them the tools. 

Parents, teachers, the government. Everyone needs to work harder to help raise our children in a way that is healthy. Look at Sweden, they are so chill when it comes to talking about sex, granted perhaps a bit too chill but I think we can learn a little from them. 

Also, this is of absolutely no value, but I find it too funny not to include. 

What do you think? Are we protecting or hurting our young people by stigmatising and demonising sex?


Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Size 0 is not sexy

Okay. Lets all sit down and talk about this. Like grown ups. I am thoroughly  incensed by the notion that because I am skinny, you are allowed to judge me, label me. You are fucking not allowed to do that. I am NOT "stuck up" because I am skinny. I don't have it easy because I am thin. If so many girls wish they looked like me, why do I get so much fucking hate? I get told to "get over myself", I get called attention seeking. 

I hear and see things like:

"Size 0 is not sexy"
"Men want curves"
"Bones are for dogs"
"Real women have curves"

Anyone who has thought or said any of these, please go, find yourself a nice, quite spot, light some scented candles, put some music on, get comfy and fuck yourself with a cactus. 

You don't get to tell me whether or not my body is sexual- to you my appearance and body type isn't appealing; you aren't my husband so I do not give a fuck about your opinion. Also, you unbuttered slice of toast, a persons sensuality is not just tied up in their tits and ass, it is clear for anyone to see that my husband is very much attracted to me and you know what he likes about me first and foremost? My intelligence; my ability to use words eloquently, the way I can hold a meaningful and interesting conversation, the fact I am not a vacuous, giggling little girl. I refuse to dumb myself down or act dumb in order to get attention, I maintain a level of decorum no matter my situation- he can take me anywhere and know that I can conduct myself in a way that is appropriate. He knows that (for the most part) I can talk to anyone and hold my own. Sexuality and sensuality is so much more than being hot, if you have a horrid personality and are terrible with intimacy you are not really gunna be dinging anyones bell. From confidence and the way you carry yourself to the way you talk and your mannerisms can all contribute. And all men are not the same - you cannot say that every guy, on the face of the earth, is not in - any way sexually attracted to skinny girls, why should anyone give a fuck about whether you make every dick you walk past hard? 

Do you? 

When you walk down the street is it just a plethora of innocent men poking holes in buildings and jamming their steering wheels, with floods of fluid coating the walkways? Are you the Penis Piper? The Willy Wizard? The Chub Charmer? No, so sit the fuck down. Bones are not just for dogs, without your fucking skeleton you would be a pile of blood, fat and organs, sloshing around in a skin bag. Good luck trying to do anything. 

If you are female, you are a real woman, being skinny does not make you fictional. I am not imaginary because you think that my weight is disgusting. You don't have the power to make me into a nonexistent being with you narrow fucking mind. I am still here and I am telling you that you are a fucking douchecanoe, that you can take your opinion of my person and stick in an orifice on your body of your choosing. I shall let you choose, I'm nice like that. 

This sentiment that is being banded around a lot and as you can tell it fucking irks me. I am all for body confidence and what I would refer to as Size Equality but what I am not chill with is calling one thing ugly as a way of showing support for something else. 

You do not need to subject skinny girls to abuse as a means of showing your support for curvy girls. 

If you are a skinny girl calling a curvy girl ugly, you my friend are: a twat. If you are a curvy girl calling a skinny girl ugly, you also are: a twat. If you are one human being calling another human being ugly, purely based on their looks, to make them feel bad about themselves and/or to show your support for another human being- YOU. ARE. A. FUCKING. TWAT. Is everyone following? If you're being shallow and judgey to anyone, for any reason, you are plainly and simply - a twat. The only person that needs to change is you. Can we all say it together?

 "T W A T", fuck yes. 

The gap between the two ends of healthy according to bmi is usually a matter of 10-15 kilograms, for instance I would be a healthy weight if I weighed anything between 44.4-60.3kg, granted I am a few kilograms shy of the lower end but I know this and am trying my hardest to gain that weight. I eat, honestly if you could see how much food I am capable of consuming and regularly do consume you would wonder how on earth I am so small. I have such a quick metabolism and the foods I eat are good, wholesome nutritious, homecooked meals, although last night I ate a large mixed kebab with all the salad, loads of garlic mayonnaise and too many pickled chillies. I digress, I was trying to segway into a talk about how being healthy is what we should all be aiming for, being super skinny comes with so many cons, just like being big does. As long as you are healthy and not putting strain on your body/system you should love your body. A bit of fat and cellulite isn't ugly or wrong, stretch marks and lose skin aren't anything to be ashamed of, in that same breath hipbones and collarbones aren't disgusting and thigh gaps and a flat stomach aren't repulsive. 

This post came up on my feed 
It had hundreds of likes and comments, so many people agreed with this or found it funny.  

So j-just, just hold on one motherfucking moment, according to those fuckers my weight is DIRECTLY AND INTRINSICALLY connected to my ability to raise my child. So what you rotten treestumps are saying is that I am a bad mum... because I am skinny. Now I have health professionals telling me my son is perfect but you quite obviously know better. I mean with all your collective knowledge from numerous degrees, doctorates and studies. 


I am the best mother I can be to my son. My son is healthy, happy and cared for. Every single professional that has ever come into contact with him has said he is perfect. Every person that has ever met him says he is amazing. So you can go get stuck in the crawlspace of your house and get eaten by cats because fuck you. Fuck you and your fucking shitty opinion. 

Being slim makes me happy. I have never weighed anything more than just over 50kg (thats was just before my son was born) ever in my life. I love super tight jeans, I like having a  flat-ish stomach, I like the body I have when I am about 42-45kg. These are things I like, not because my husband likes it or because a magazine told me thats what I should look like- I like looking the way I do because it looks nice to me and makes me feel comfortable in my own body.  

What makes you happy and is good for you, is what is important. A size is just a number that is sewn into an item of clothing. You are the one living in your body, being out of breath and unable to do most things because you don't have the energy sucks. The more weight I gain, the more I am able to afford time for myself as I use all my energy playing with and raising my son, the more time I get to spend with my husband without being shattered. I sleep better so I'm in a better mood. Just in general I feel healthy - I don't get nosebleeds and migraines when I am a good weight. Being at the hospital for blood tests and keeping food diaries is a fucking drag, having family look at you worried is awful. 

Be healthy. Don't think about being a size 6 with DD tits and "dat ass", don't worry about having collarbones, bikini bridges, thigh gaps and high cheekbones. Pay no mind to the little extra fat on your stomach or the dimples on your butt. Ignore your untoned arms and squishy thighs. Just be healthy, happy and confident in your own skin. 

Ugh. Okay I feel better now. 
What do you think? 


Saturday, 10 October 2015

Suck it, Darling ^_^

So now I'm twenty-two years of age and I'm a little more worldly, I guess; I've come to the conclusion that you don't have to take all things said to you as gospel or even give a fuck about it. I've been given advice or told things and now years later I'm like "what the fuck, man?"  Some of them are just little and some of them are just insane. So let us begin. 

1) "Don't shave - it grows back thicker"
So I've blogged about shaving before, so there is no real evidence that this is true. For every source that says "YOU WILL BE A MAN IF YOU SHAVE" there is another that say "DAS BULLSHIT YO". My advice - Find what works for you and that may change over the course of your life. I always swore by Nair but while I was pregnant and after I had my baby I just ended up in burns all the time so I have to change and my only option was shaving, it took hundreds of cuts and nicks, a few weeks of painful razor burn and lots of lotions to get my skin used to it but I'm glad I did it. It's helped with my underarm darkness and I'm no longer crying in the shower because I'm covered in chemical burns. Try out all the things you think may work for you, talk to a qualified beauty therapist about what would work best for your skin and hair type and find what works for you. This tidbit taught me that just because someone says something is bad or wrong, doesn't necessarily mean it's bad for you- trying things out (within reason) is okay.

2) "Don't use tampons, you'll die from them". 

I don't know why I didn't question this, if you can die from them why would they be on sale? I think it's something like 2 in 100,000 people will get TSS. That is not to say that you shouldn't take menstrual care seriously but men, women and children can get TSS and if caught early, it can be cured. If you change your tampon regularly, use the lowest absorbency you can and keep clean, you should be fine. I'm not going to go into great detail but honestly I suffered as a young teen. I'm glad I took the initiative to try something new. You're not going to die, many, many, many things in life may kill you but the chances that it will be tampons is pretty low. From this incident I learnt that you don't have to suffer out of fear, educate yourself about whatever it is and make an informed, conscious decision. 

3) "But they are your *insert relationship role*"
I don't care who you are, if you aren't good for my life- I'm not keeping you around. Toxic people, breed toxic environments. Dramatic people cause drama. Narcissism is unhealthy. I'm not saying you have to cut them out of your life all together, but limiting your time around them and only allowing them into certain, controlled situations is just common sense, however there are circumstances where you do need to be harsh and play the bad guy. If someone is repeatedly letting you down or causing you harm in any form they are not worthy of you. I don't have a male parent and I'm actually cool with that, it's taken me years to come to this point in my life where I no longer get upset seeing people with that relationship and I'm happy, it was my choice, the people that were provided just didn't step up to the plate and were not good enough to be who they claimed to be so I took the matter into my own hands and decided that they needed to not be a part of my life. Your first priority should be you, on a plane you are to administer the oxygen mask to yourself before assisting anyone else, because if you are okay, you will be able to give better care to whoever you come into contact with. Sometimes, being selfish is okay. I learnt the hard way- You cannot please everyone. 

4) "That's not how you do it"
No, that's not how you do it. Everyone has their own way of doing something, whether it be cleaning, cooking, speaking or standing. It doesn't matter each individual person will have a way of completing a task and that is okay. It's not something to get offended about, if the end result is pretty much the same who gives a fuck how it got there. Guidance is always welcome but not always do people want to be boxed into what your view of right is. Being different is what makes us human and kickass. And being different is what makes you, you. Never go along with a plan or idea if you don't believe in it. 

5) "Show some respect"
Sometimes "respect" means "treat me like a human" and other times it means "treat me as though I have authority". When that person starts saying "give me respect and I'll give you respect" and they really mean "I have authority and therefore can dehumanise you" they can go and fuck themselves. I don't care who you are - be nice to me and I'll be nice to you (although sometimes I do take an instant disliking to people and I'm usually right, I can spot a creep a mile off), I don't care if you are the CEO of FSTE 100 company chances are if you're being an asshole, I'll call you out on it. Sometimes with people I like I try to just be nice but that's fake and I'm trying really hard not to do that but sometimes it's the cowards way out and it keeps the peace and I'm throughly ashamed to say I have done that. But in the long run it will come back and be a bigger problem for you to sort. If someone isn't treating you the way they should tell them to start doing so or gtfo. Believe me, you will feel better. 

6) "Well why didn't you say anything?"
Silence is easily misunderstood but it can't be misquoted. Sometimes you have no words, sometimes you can't be bothered to explain, sometimes it's not worth it. And people will always take your silence as compliance and agreement or whatever suits them in said situation. A lot of the time my silence means I would rather talk to myself that you, a lot of the time I know I could say what I'm thinking but you don't care enough to listen and you will just brush my views under the rug. Silence can mean many things but it rarely means you agree with what is being presented to you, but because the person asking you doesn't particularly care about what you think they are going to take it as they please. So do yourself a favour and speak up. It the only way to ensure you cannot be blamed. You tried, that's all that can be asked of you. Too many people think I'm a bitch because I kept my mouth shut when I should have said to them "go fuck yourself" now I do and everyone just thinks I'm blunt as fuck. 

7) "You're exactly like *insert family member*"

I heard this a lot from many people, in many cases from people that had only actually met me a few times like who the fuck are you to tell me who I'm like? If I was exactly like whoever you are claiming I am like then motherfucker, you managed to clone them! Gold fucking star for you! Scientist have been trying for years to clone humans but you got that shit down. Mate, you are gunn- wait what? I'm not their clone? Omg? Really? No fucking shit, Sherlock. I'm not exactly like anyone, I'm me and the only reason you are saying that is to make me feel bad about myself. I made a mistake or did something wrong gtfo it. Don't belittle me or try to guilt trip me, that's fucking messed up and you're a fucker for doing it. You take a deep breath and tell them "no I'm not, you're just upset and saying hurtful things, we can talk when you calm down" *mic drop* okay maybe don't do the last bit. 

8) "Never go to bed angry"
Sometimes going to sleep after a fight is the best thing to do, you wake up with a whole new view and you are calm and collected about whatever you were arguing about. I found that this really helps, you don't end up saying things in the heat of the moment whilst also sleep deprived so it ends up extra venomous. It's like time out for a naughty child, they come back and apologise and say they love you. We as humans need a little time out but because we are grown ups we think we don't need to- I mean talking about it like adults quite obviously isn't working, just sleeping on it. Writing down what has upset you is a good idea too, a journal, a bit of scrap paper so you can chuck it away or even in the notes on your phone. Getting it out of your system in a controlled and constructive way will minimise the chances of you getting spiteful and you will be far more honest with what you write because the person you are pissed at is not in front of you. 

9) "You are so talented, you're just wasting it"
I'm wasting my talent? Don't tell me what I should be doing, just because I'm good at something doesn't mean I have to pursue it. Like you're obviously good at being annoying and sticking your nose where you can fucking keep it out of but I wish you fucking wouldn't. Alas, here we are. 

10) "You would be pretty if you had light/clear skin, you should do something about it"
I've has this said to me by too many people without them thinking it is a really cruel and insensitive thing to fucking say. Honestly, I think it is a cultural thing; especially older generations. They touch my face, without thinking that I may not want their fucking hand on me and use in a tone that says "oh how unfortunate you are" like, seriously "DON'T TOUCH ME BETCH".  This is my face. My face is kinda this way because of reasons beyond my fucking control, asswipe. And for your information I love my dark skin, I was teased so much as a child and called names because I have much darker skin than my family and it has taken me years but I now know my skin is fucking awesome. I have a skin tone a lot of people would love, people spend hours in tanning booths, slathering self-tan on with those mitts and getting hosed with chemicals to get darker skin all I do is be me. I wake up with this fucking kickass skin colour. I've learnt to love myself. I'm much darker than my husband but he always says I'm beautiful and that he wouldn't change anything- not that I believe him because, well... I'm an insecure little fucker. What I'm trying to say is learn to love the things you cannot change about yourself because the chances are someone thinks those things are the most perfect things about you. You are loved and you should love yourself. 

What the best thing you had to learn the hard way?

Lots of love,