Friday, 27 May 2016

Halp! My Uterus is trying to murder me!

Shark week, Auntie Flo, lady problems, little sister, Sophia, whatever you want to call your menstrual cycle, and there are many names/euphemisms - your menstrual cycle is a wonderful (read: fucking annoying) reminder that you are a woman. Personally, I call it "Bitch Syndrome" or "Aunty Flo" because I am devil spawn in the week of and leading up to my period, I will politely warn my husband that I am going to be syndromey and he knows to leave me be, brace for all the emotions and maybe bring home GÜ ganache pots, those are the best things ever. I love using the little pots for setting out pills and storing cinnamon sugar.

If I have had a really stressful month I can guarantee I am going to have an awful period. It will start in maybe the third week of the month and it comes in phases.
Let my break it down for ya:

The first phase - Fuck Off
I will feel a little more anxious and annoyed, I am always upset and my temper is easily stirred. I clean and organise lots. I don't like food and I find it hard to sleep.

The second phase - #TotesEmosh
I am a teary, clingy, jumpy mess. I am way more likely to have panic attacks and be found crying about something dumb. I want all the food and I wake up really early in a really good mood, which usually ends around 8am. I will clean and re-clean everything, I bake and cook loads.

The third phase - Numb
I am really void of emotion and motivation. I just want it to be over. I don't get hungry.  I don't want to do anything. I avoid people a lot.

Each of these phases lasts a couple of days or depending on the month it can be just the one. This month I seem to be flitting between phases two and three.

I have a few things that I do to help myself and make this shitty time better and I'd like to share them with you. I'ma be your fairy boss mumma and help you solider through dis shizzzzz, (Interesting fact: tampons were used to plug up bullet wounds, especially during WW1) so let's get to it:

1. Tracking
I track my cycle as diligently as my brain will let me. I use the Clue App, it was mentioned in a Laci Green video and honestly it's the best I have used, since I've had an iPhone I've gone through a few and I've either hated using it or the icon but the Clue App has a pretty cool icon and navigation of the app is simple. The app allows you to pick and choose what you track things like your period (obviously) but also, body stats - fluid, temperature, hair and skin, vitality - energy, sleep and activities - sex, exercise. I find it really helpful to be able to track things like my sleep, mood and exercise. I feel bad when I don't tick the yoga option so I am likely to do just a few minutes at least to make my self feel better. You can also set reminders to fill in my Clue daily and other things like breast checks. They're are customisable so I may have made some inappropriate reminders...

As you can see I have a really awful sense of humour. I always laugh when they pop up but it is actually quite nice to know what's going on. My days sort of meld together and I'm terrible with dates so it's really helpful. I've been able to identify a lot using the app; last month my poor family had to deal with me having a really tough time, lots of tears and hyperventilating and with the help of the app I realised I wasn't sleeping well, was a bit miserable and stressed but I just hadn't really noticed that it had been a little while that I had been feeling down and that was what led to my anxiety spiking. I had been letting it all build up until I just could anymore instead of asking for help, which is dumb because all four of them always ask if I need help or a chat. At the end of the month the guys at Clue send you a cycle review, with some facts and tips. I really recommend getting the Clue app. It's free and a great way of keeping up with your body.

2. Treats
So, I love getting post, hate going to town to pick up my supplies and am terrible at shopping, My husband is always telling me to treat myself but I rarely ever buy things I don't need (unless it's food, but if you ask me - it is food so I need it) I decided to get a Pink Parcel after seeing it on Facebook. The monthly subscription service sends your supply of tampons and/or towels in the brand, absorbency and quantity you specify when the sign up and they send them out to you on one of three selected dates close to your period, along with some treats such as tea, chocolate, cosmetics, jewellery and beauty products as little pick-me-up gifts to make you smile. The first box is £9.95 and £12.95 (including P&P) there after, you can cancel anytime free of charge unless your Pink Parcel has already been dispatched then you will be charged for that one. Although I've heard that it's price is going down to £10.50. The packaging is discreet and elegant and I always look forward to it.
Here is what I got in my Pink Parcel this month.

The packaging is so pretty! I love the colours and organisation. I would love to add ribbon to the drawstring bag or a little tissue paper in the for you box. I love the Pink Parcel Post booklet! Super cute and concise but informative. I got all my normal sanitary products, although I'm interested in the organic tampons so I may try them next month. Omg the FabLittleBags are genuinely FAB! I'm gunna be ordering a couple of packs from their website (also available at Waitrose, Ocado, Whole Foods and online at Ethical Superstore).  I love that they aren't noisy, you can use them one handed and they are partly made from sugar cane so they are biodegradable! #MotherNature

The nail polish by True Brit is so nice, it's such a pretty neutral grey! I used to wear a colour almost identical to it but I couldn't find another bottle when I ran out so this made me super happy! I'm really into my Simple products so I'm so happy that I've a travel friendly toner that I can take with me on holiday in a few weeks. While the Badger Balm smells gorgeous and is super calming it doesn't help me sleep, but it seems to be working on my little one, nap time was a breeze. I love the Lottie brush, it's super cute and soft, I've been using it for my brows. The Cougar Perfect Pout product didn't really do anything for my already pouty lips but it was nice as a lipgloss so I'm happy with it.

Omg the Rococo bar was delicious, I shared it with my son and he was so pleased. The tea was really nice too, I'm not sure if I would buy it as I couldn't drink it all of the time but it was a pleasant treat! And the fudge... I'll be persuading the Mr Husband Man for a box of this it's so good. My birthday is coming so I might just have a birthday cake of fudge! Fudge Kitchen, you guys down?

3. Products
So this splits into a few smaller topics.

- Underwear
Like most girls I have a bunch of underwear set aside that I don't mind getting ruined but instead of them being old panties that got ruined at some point so they have been relegated to a sad life or boring ones that I don't like, I found a bunch of cheap, cute, comfortable, super soft and properly fitting underwear that I can match up with some bras that I have (because I have to wear matching underwear, even if just vaguely matching or I feel really uneasy) and it's made such a difference. I feel like I have my life together just because I am not loser in ugly mismatched pants with cramps. Also, the fact they fit really well means my pads stay in place at night and my liners don't bunch up or stick to me during the day.

- Sanitary Products
I switched from pads to tampons (Tampax Pearl in Regular with an Applicator) when I got married and I wish I had done it so much easier and cleaner but after being instilled with the fear of God and death when I mentioned them to my mother, I was terrified of dying from TSS and so decided against using them. As such I suffered more than I needed to but when I got older I looked into it and realised that like anything if you are careful about the proper use and follow instructions you're quite likely to be okay, so always your hands before and after changing a tampon, use the lowest absorbency you can, change regularly (between 4-8 hours), don't use them at night and use pads or liners for lighter days. I actually set a three hour timer on my phone after I've changed so I don't forget, with chores and my son three hours can feel like an hour and so it's very easy to lose track of time, anything can be dangerous of you don't use it properly/safely. I also use liners (Always Dailies flexi thin, non-scented and Bodyform Daily Fresh Mirco liners) to give me that extra confidence that I haven't bled over everything I love, I'm like "Fuck it! I'll wear white jeans, come at me Mother Nature". I cannot stress enough that finding the right products for you instead of just making do is such an important thing for you to feel as comfortable as possible when your uterus is going all Hari Kari on you.

- Pain Relief
So, I keep painkillers and hot water bottles close by, using them when I need to because I am weak, no it's not because I'm weak it's because it fuckin' kills. I have pretty shitty cycles so it just makes sense. I got stuff to do, ain't no pain gunna stop me- I'ma stop pain, motherfucker.

I will eat whatever I want. It's not the healthiest approach but idgaf. Ain't no bitch tellin' me to eat less chocolate and drink caffeine because it makes it worse. Bitch, it's bad enough who gives a fuck if it's a little worse. But I do have a few things that I've heard help - things that are high in calcium such as soy, sesame, cheese and almonds are good bets. So I like to pick up a pack of sesame snaps, some soy milk chocolate shake, a few nice bits for my cheese board and a pack of almonds just for me to nibble and graze on, if I'm honest I have no idea if it helps but they taste good. Oh and large navel oranges, the vitamin c in it is meant to help you hurry along the bleeding, again I have no idea if it does work for me but I do know I would eat crappy unhealthy food all day if it were my choice so it's a good thing to add. Just don't eat like 12 oranges in a really short space of time, especially if you have really sensitive skin... You may break out in Fordyce spots on your lips and they are awfully sore. I didn't do this... I heard it once :/

5. '*~•.AcTiViTiEs.•~*'
I don't just mean exercise, but very light yoga and such does help me feel less scrunched up and alleviate cramps ever so slightly. I do however suggest sleeping early if possible, taking time out of your day to do a something that you like, watching a movie that always makes you cry - I always feel dumb crying over a burnt piece of toast or something minor because it is just not really worth the energy but I can't help it so I like having a way to channel it that feels valid to me like Baz Luhrmans 1996 version of Romeo and Juilet. No but, Leonardo DeCaprio clutching and crying over a sixteen-year-old Clare Danes' body always gets me "Thus with a kiss I die" *SOBBING* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I find just taking some time to be alone with myself is helpful to me. I feel calmer when I've had some me time.

Let's face it periods suck but hey at least you can do s few things to make it suck less! Learning your body will help you to get more comfortable with it, one thing I've noticed since the last year, is that I'm less conscious of it. I used to use only scented products and be constantly worried about leaks and stains but I've now converted to unscented and I feel more in control and confident. But remember your body isn't a clock and day-to-day life stresses will have an affect on you. If you're suffering awful cycles or are worried about whether you're healthy/normal make an appointment with your doctor and find out - the sex ed in the UK is terrible but you can always educate yourself with the right sources and help.

Anyway, I have some of that Rococo Bee Bar left and I am desperate to eat it so laaaaaterzzzz and may your day be pleasant.

What's your favourite euphemism for periods?


Saturday, 21 May 2016

So, you think being a SAHM isn't a job?

Why not, sweet'ums? 

Why am I not allowed to call my life 'my job'? Why am I not allowed to take pride in the work I do everyday? Why is not the thing invest my time and energy into, day in and day out not my job? Is it because I don't have time sheet or hours that I have to keep? Perhaps it's because I don't get paid, I am giving my time because I want to, I want to care for my child instead of paying someone else to do it. I don't pay taxes? Nah, but my family does - my husband pays into the system. Maybe it's the fact I don't hate very second of it like most of you do. 

I don't hate it because it's all I've ever wanted. If you could go back to your teenage self and tell them that you actually got to become whatever you had wanted to be at that age you would be so happy - I can do that, ever since I was a child all I have ever wanted was my own family and now I have it and for some reason you think you're allowed to try invalidate that. Nah, fucker you need to back your negative fuck face outta my sight before you get verbally throat punched. 

Being a mother and a wife is my job. I'm not going to go with gender neutral terms because some uptight fuckwit thinks that they are dirty submissive words. I'm not a home maker, I'm a wife. I'm not a caregiver, I'm a mother. And I am proud as hell to say that. They are my jobs in life. 

Go look at the definition of 'job', when you're done doing that have a look at what the married couples allowance (U.K) is so you can stop yourself before you mention taxes, then come to me and explain why people get paid to do all the jobs I do but just because I do all of them under the very wonderful title 'mummy' it's not your definition of a 'job'. People hire nannies and they are very well paid in most cases, cleaners, tutors, cooks - all of these people are paid for the job that they do - I do all of these to some extent.
It's my duty to make sure my child is fed, hydrated, clean and happy. It's my job to nurture him, educate him and love him. It's my responsibility to keep my home clean and safe for him. My relationship/family situation allows for me and my husband to divide our time and energies to the tasks we are good at, and yes, in this case they do happen to seem what some would call "gender based" roles but we just happen to be good at them. If a something in the house breaks or needs mending I'm better at DIY so he always let me do it and he makes really good sandwiches so whatever. We divide our chores based on who is best suited to the task. I've always had a mothering nature and my husband has always been good at working with people. I will always admit that I have never worked a day in my life and that I am very lucky to not have to, before I got married I was at college and trying to recover from a traumatic few years and after I got married there was no need for me to work, my husband has always provided for me. To be honest I think we need one another to be the way we are - it's why we work so well, we fit together.

I don't understand the need to box and categorise people. I'm not into any of your business. You have no right to judge me. 

What is sad is the fact worst people for judging stay at home mothers are actually other mothers, especially working ones but please don't think I'm talking to you working mums who have no choice. You know what I love about the mums that have to work as oppose to want to, they seem to understand me better. They wish they could be home with their families. They have no choice but to work, they need to provide and they feel guilty for having to leave their children; you women are fuckin' kickass. Putting yourself through so much just to put food on table and a roof over your babies head. You boss-ass females are fucking holding it down, you women are the women whos backs are holding the next generation up. I've been the daughter of a single working mum and I have nothing but respect for you. You mothers would do anything to give your babies the best that you can. 

I'm talking to the women who's careers are more important to them than the child they just bought into the world. The ones who don't bother breastfeeding because who has time for that? Not me, I need to be back at work. The ones desperate to get back to work because being "cooped up in the house" with their own baby makes them crazy, doing things to nurture your child like skin to skin sessions and reading are a waste of time because you aren't doing anything productive. 

Why is it that I am degraded by those mums? You do all of the house chores and work, the fuck do you want? Most of us are just doing the best we can. I just want you to back the fuck up with calling me lazy or stupid. If you can tell me I'm lazy and stupid then I'll be honest and say I think you are a bad mum for not putting your child's needs above your superficial career, is your job going to hug you when you die? Nope. But I just want to put it out there, I'm not some kept woman, I don't have someone looking after my child and home for me, stop assuming I do. I could work but I'd just be paying for someone else to do my job while I go out and be "a contributor to society" what would be the point? My son would be closer to someone who doesn't love him, I would miss all of his milestones and come home tired from working. I'm not okay with that and I am fortunate enough to be able to do so, why would I not take advantage of that? I have this wonderful privilege to be able to care for my son and keep my home without having to worry financially as my husband works very hard. Do you realise how many parents would love to be able to spend their time watching their children grow? Not everyone feels that their careers are more important than their child. If you know you aren't going to be there to care for them because your priority is your job/career then don't have a kid. It's rather simple. Either be a good parent on top of your career or just be a career woman, children aren't some accessory to your life - they are people.  They have feelings and constantly putting them at the bottom of your narcissistic to-do list is cruel. Missing events that are important to them, not being there when they need you and pushing them aside will always hurt them, eventually they will learn to not need you at all. If you aren't interested in raising the why the fuck even have them? A smart, go-getter like you surely knows how to use contraception. Figure it out.

Now, I do have to mention the other group of women that call me out, the modern, working, single women; you guys are too good to stay at home and care for a human because you are busy changing the world one '#' and instagram at a time. You don't need a man because you got your own, letting a man pay for you would be sacrilege. Your faux cult-like feminism and extreme and petty arguments - the male icon is placed in front of the female used for 'friends'  on the Facebook app, this obviously means Facebook thinks men are better than women. Nope. The way you guys look down at me infuriates me, when you see me with my husband and son, you bitches just fucking assume I am a weak and uneducated. I am just way past caring, dollface. While you are busy trying to prove to society "I'm not a woman, I'm a person" - I am just living my life the way that makes me happy, I don't need to prove anything to any fucker. I hate the fact that what makes me feel like a strong person (kickass mumma/wifey) is constantly attacked by these women, (or should I say "people" because apparently being a woman is an insult) because they think I am some oppressed and abused 1950s housewife, like no bitch, that is not what I am. You are a so called 'modern woman', a 'feminist'? But because I have a strong connection with my maternal side I'm a lesser woman then you? Your brand of feminism sure is inclusive, it is so completely about all women and the rights they ought have as a member of society. I don't want to be a modern woman if it means that if I'm not allowed to be the mother I want to be. I don't want to be a feminist if it means I have to leave my child in the care of someone I don't even know, before he is able to even speak so he can't even tell me if something is wrong, I am good, Sugar. I don't want to be like you if I have to be a judgmental mean girl. The original feminists wanted the same social, economical and political rights as men, they wanted their femininity to be respected the same way that masculinity is respected and it not be seen as a weakness somehow rendering women as delicate celestial beings. I don't want to be a man, I want to be a woman - a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter. Every single aspect of my existence is somehow a stain on feminism, I remove my body hair - that's wrong, real women have body hair and by removing it I am buying into raunch/paedophile culture or the patriarchy, by taking my husbands second name I am adhering to the concept that women are possessions, by wearing a bra and not freeing the nipple I am sexualising my own body and telling everyone that I ashamed of my female form, by being skinny I am not body positive and don't believe in size equality because I am brainwashed by the patriarchal media and the pressure of society to be perfect. If a woman role play power exchange during sex where she is assuming the submissive, then she is throwing years of feminism into the gutter. If a women wears makeup she is succumbing to the media and it's portrayal of the "perfect women".

I am a woman. I am all about gender equality, gender/sexuality oppression is disgusting. I am for the representation of healthy female and male models - but I am not about to blast "skinny bitches" or say that size two isn't realistic because for some people it is. Women are not objects or possessions but I do belong to my husband I am his, just as he is mine - because we love each other not because of some fucked up, obsolete concept constructed by religion and society and I took his name because I liked it and I wanted to. Whether I wear a bra or not is not part of any social movement, my mammary glands have fed a child and I know what they are for. Me wanting to be a woman and loving my female traits are not shameful concepts. If you think I am a delicate little flower just because I am happy to call myself a woman surely you are as bad as the male chauvinists you so vehemently hate. Surely, you see that looking down on me for being what you deem as classically womanly is just as awful as saying women with short hair are not feminine. You can't say you are pro-woman if you don't include all women. You just can't segregated us because you don't agree with our life choices. Who cares if a chick likes to have her some fun sex, the fucks it got to do with you - as long as it is consensual and she's is happy.  What has it got to do with you if she wants to wear makeup - maybe she just wants to look fine as fuck for herself, in the mirror all like "that contour tho, mama" and "my highlight lookin' damn good". 

Stop trying to drag other women down all the time. Have your opinions just keep them to yourself if they are hurtful to others.  Stop asking me when I'm going back to work and telling you would go crazy if you were so "wonton and redundant". Stop trying to make me feel inadequate.

To me, being a mother is a wonderful role to be in. I've always wanted kids, it's my life and it makes me happy. I will always refer to it as my job because I take it seriously, my husband and I, are partners in this and we answer to one another when it comes to our parenting skills and decisions. We review our child's meal plans, deciding together whether foods and snacks are working or not. We look at development and routine - do we need to add anything to his lessons? Are there any new toys that will help advance a skill set?   We reward one another for hard work and we work together to provide a well-rounded, stimulating, disciplined but loving environment for the small person we decided to bring into the world. We take it seriously because in the future we will have to answer to our son, if we get it wrong he could go on to hurt others or himself. It is a job to me and to my partner because I want to put as much of my time, energy and love as I possibly can. I can't imagine my child feeling like I did sometimes when I was young, we as parents always try to provide and fill a void that we had in our lives. For me it was absent parents - out of choice or not, feeling lonely or unimportant was regular for me because I was left by a parent. Abandonment and daddy issues mean that I'm so conscious of the effect that poor parenting can have on a child. You say I'm being 'over protective and ridiculous' but I know what it's like to be betrayed and hurt by someone who was meant to care for you and the terrible consequences it can have as you grow older and I will damned if I left my child feel that. 

So go on, keep on with the bullshit and tell me that being a mum isn't a job because it just shows me how half-assed you'll be as a parent. Do me a favour and say "hi" to your mum from me and let her know she either did a really awful job of raising you or you're just a condescending/damaged person and that I'm sorry for that; it must be hard to have that kind of individual as a child. 

I'm out. I need to go hug my kid and him that I love him before I put him in bed for his nap. 

As always, Love,