Friday, 17 June 2016

I am a hairless dolphin

don't know about you but puberty fucking sucked for me, it didn't hit me like a truck as it did for many of my friends who were basically teenage sirens by the age of 16, all boobs and butt, in control of their bodies and growing into their womanhood, I was a scrawny, boobless, spotty mess of hormones.  But the worst bit for me - worse than the onset of periods and the beginning of uneven boobs - was the hair. I couldn't stand it. I hated it so much. I didn't feel grown up or womanly, I felt gross. It just fucking showed up and I had to be okay with it because it was "part of growing up". After I noticed it and panicked at the concept I will get more I eventually tearfully, mentioned it to my mum. She basically told me it was normal, handed me a large pump of Immacc and told me to use it if I wanted to get rid of it. So the next time I showered I read the instructions and got on with it. We didn't really talk about it again, that was pretty much it. I mean it did the job but I was left wondering why all the girls at my school were getting waxed or shaved but when I asked I was told it's too harsh. Once I got married I explored various removal methods and found my favourite and stuck to it but ever since I was thirteen I have never really understood women's utter hatred for hair removal. 

I have heard all the reasons and read all the "10 reasons you shouldn't be shaving" but I just don't get it. I mean you do you and all I just don't really agree with it, for myself or like it. The way people feel about getting rid of it, is almost the way I feel about keeping it. 

I have never found it to be time consuming or annoying. After a few months of sticking to a regimental routine my skin got used to it, I didn't find that irritation was an issue as long as I did it properly. 

Now, I have used or tried almost all types of removal methods through the years, trail and error is my friend. Like I said before I used Veet when it was still called Immac as a young teen, I would bleach my 'tache  (it was apparently quite visible) and I would have my brows threaded but over time I have had to change my method because I found that they weren't working for me anymore or that my skin was reacting badly to it. For instance threading has always made me break out and after I had my son Nair started burning me and not really removing much so I started waxing but that wasn't really working either because my hair is so thin and barely existent. I switched to shaving and I'm really happy with what it gives me. And I pluck my brows myself, I hate my face being touched and I've never had anyone do it the way I like but I love my brows when I do them. Until I found my routine I had a few issues but that's the same with anything, once I had it down I didn't have any problems. 

But I mean there are so many reasons not to shave and embrace the fuzz so let's go through them. Here is my counter post to "Reasons you shouldn't shave", let's call it "oh look I'm a hairless dolphin" (actually I think I'll call the post that): 

1) You could save 72 days worth of time in your lifetime if you stop and do other things. 

If I'm honest I waste that time chilling on the floor staring at the ceiling. You're right I could learn a language but I already know two so I'm kinda good. I'd rather spend that time shaving than complaining about the fact I haven't shaved. Which is something I do if it's been a couple of days. I waste enough time being in the way, or waiting for stuff to load/switch on what's another 72 days?

2) It's boring and annoying. 

I mean there are lots of things that are boring that I have to do like turning clothes inside out when doing the laundry and actually opening the baby gate instead of just stepping over it, at least when I'm shaving I get a cool thing out of a boring task and anyway when I'm in the shower it's not like it's a fucking carnival. It's just an hour of aggressive exfoliation, extensive hair washing/conditioning, stunning vocal performances and the slow gradual increase of water temperature from nice and warm to I'm burning my fingernails and eyelids off. Showering/bathing is not the most exciting of tasks in general but I quite enjoy the feeling of being a clean human being instead of Grimer's creepy sister so why not throw in some shaving? 

3) It is going to grow back

Okay if we apply that to everything we would all be living in disgusting conditions. In my home we have three different kinds of skin conditions so things like towels, bedsheets and clothes always need washing- do you realise how badly our conditions would get if I didn't change/wash it all so often? I have a son who is going through his "feeding the floor" phase so my carpet always needs cleaning - I vacuum at least three times a day. 
If we avoided doing things because we would just have to do it again, then we would live in a shitty unprogressive world. It is going to grow back but so are my eyebrow hairs and my nails that's doesn't mean I'ma stop plucking and cutting them. 

4) It is there for a reason - it protects you from bacteria.

I mean, is it really? I'm sure it's not really helping me that much. I do enough to protect myself from bacteria, wash my hands regularly, use sanitiser, change my clothes, wash, do I really need it? Because I feel like I don't. If it was a time where clothes and washing weren't really the norm I would totally understand keeping the fuzz but it's not. I have many things already protecting me, I think I can do without the hairy firewall for bacteria. 

5) Removing it leaves cuts that make you more susceptible to infections and STDs

I'm in a monogamous, long term, safe sex practicing relationship. If I catch something the chances are I'll have bigger things to worry about that some antibiotics and itchiness, some matey is about to get cut because the only way I could catch something would be if my Dearly Beloved Mr Husband Man was playing away in some other girls field, in which case I'm pissed off and ready to get messy. While I'm picking up cable ties, cling film, waterproof mascara (gotta look good), matches and lighter fluid, I'm sure I can pick up a prescription. Remember peeps, keep it wrapped/dammed no matter what you're doing or who with. Nothing is better that consensual, safe sex! Also, don't cheat. It's a dick move. 

6) It's itchy and uncomfortable  

If your skin is suffering and you gotz the itchzzz the chances are you're not working with your body well enough. Ya gotta find what works for you - depilatory creams by several companies also come in different strengths, razors have differing number of blades and conditioning strip formulations and here are hundreds of different electric shavers - it could have ages to find what works for you but then you need to get prep and aftercare right too. There are so many creams, gels, oils and washes to try! Once you get it right, you'll be fine. Personally, when prepping I make sure I shave when I shower, after soaking for a while, no dry shaving ever. I use a razor that has two blades and a conditioning strip, making sure  that's only been used a few times (3-4 uses tops) with Dove Caring Cream Bath as a shaving cream, exfoliate with a mitt and pumice stone before shaving and salt/sugar scrub after shaving. Then for aftercare I use a body butter from Superdrug as a moisturiser and Almond oil as a soothing shaving balm for anywhere that needs extra attention. It might sound like a lot but it's really not that hard or annoying to me. 

7) It's expensive

Lots of things are expensive - the vast amounts of takeaways my husband and I consume, makeup, the baked goods I eat all my myself. I buy a pack of razors every month because I change blades every couple of shave otherwise I get cuts and a not-so-close shave but it's still so much cheaper than other things like getting your eyebrows done, paying for grocery delivery on peak days and other dumb shit that really ought not to be so costly. At least I get something I like out of razors and anyways who says you have to but women's blades? Because it's pink? If you want blades and don't give a fuck, buy mens blades. Who gives a fuck. I only use Wilkinson Sword 2 because it works best for me, if another blade worked better I would get it. 

8) It contains pheromones

Sorry, but so does mens sweat. If I want the Mr Husband Man to get creepy I'm just gunna throw myself at him, I don't feel the need to thrust at him in the hope that my pheromones will waft over to him and seduce him. I mean if he is close enough to smell me/the hair on my body I'm assuming he's pretty close so we're basically already at like second base, there isn't much that's gunna stop that train arriving. He knows if we make out, we are doing the do. 

9) Real women have body hair, getting rid of it infantilises you and feeds the Patriarchal raunch/pedophile culture. 

Anyone calling themselves a real women because of anything other than the fact they are/identify as a women can fuck off. I'm not infantilising my body, if you're looking at a kid and thinking "yeah you're not sexy because you have no body hair" - you need help. Children are not sexual because they are children, they are not meant to be. What does anyone's body hair have anything to do with anyone other that themselves and whomever they would like to show their body hair/lack of body hair to? You guys are putting too much thought into some really trivial shit.  Fo' reaalzzzz. 

Okay so even though I don't get it, you get on with your bad self. Whether you braid it, grow it 70s style or have patterns in it, your body hair is yours so do what you want to with it, don't let anyone tell you what you ought to be doing with it and most of all - if someone doesn't like the way your keep your body hair and makes you feel bad about it, please don't let them touch a single inch of your body. You are you and you don't have to cater your body to anyone. If you like fuzzy, warm body hair like an adorable penguin - you keep it. If you like feeling like those hairless cats then you do that too. If you want glittery purple body hair, you dye your armpit hair like the purple minion and vajazzle that shit up so hardcore you look like you have Times Square in your pants. Your body is a yours and you decided how you decorate/groom it. Never let anyone tell you any otherwise. If they try to, throw a wet sock and a stale cookie at them. 

I must admit though I would love a moustache, I mean....

Anyways, I have Game Of Thrones, The Flash, Marvel's Agents of Shield and The 100 on catch up so I must dash! 

What's your favourite hair removal product? Or are you an Au Natural kinda person?



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