Friday, 3 March 2017

Damn, bro! You whipped AF!

So this year I've been married for 5 years. Like that's pretty cool that my beloved Mr Husband Man has been putting up with my bratty ass for that long. He even 3D printed a small person with me, also rad af. Shout out to him for that *thumps chest twice and throws up peace sign*

Now one thing that annoys me about the five years I've been with my partner is that he's heard so much shit for wanting to spend time with me over his friends or leaving a meet up early to come home to me. Dumb shit like "you're under the thumb" and "you're whipped" that are just unnecessarily twatty, at one point someone actually got an app that made a whip crack noise. Like I totally get lads banter and shit but fam, c'mon. 

So I'd like to address "the Lads" from all the girlfriends and wives. Hold on to your asses, boys. I'm not one for mincing my words. 

Listen here, you shit prick, I don't have a clue how he's under the thumb cuz I am pretty much the most chill wife in my husbands friendship circles, even including the girlfriends. I'm not controlling, it doesn't bother me who he's friends with - even if I don't like them, I don't care if he's home at 2am; I'm there waiting with food and warm clothes, what he talks about with his mates (even if it's about me), if he leave the toilet seat up, if he leaves his plate on the side instead of the sink, there really isn't much that he does that gets me pissed off so when you say he's under the thumb you're literally talking complete bullshit, much like the bullshit you spin girls to get them to talk to you for a minute before they realise you're a bag of dicks and walk off leaving you looking like a right knobhead. When you guys say to him that he's whipped, I just want to laugh in your faces and stick a post-it note with "prat" written on it to your forehead. Like "oh no it's must be terrible for him having a woman who is way more fun than any of his mates, what a fucking travesty". 

Of course, he wants to come home to me instead of sitting in a bar or restaurant with you, Fam. I'm like a hot water bottle but people size. I'm really fucking funny and pretty much better in every way than you are as a friend, hence we are married. Home with me has duvets and tv, laughter until we can't actually breathe, home cooked food and hella snug but outside with you has some decent bantz, overpriced drinks and a late drive home. 

My favourite thing though is when single guys say it, it just makes me hysterical. I hate to be so brutal (I don't hate it, I'm lying, I love being brutal) but I feel so damn sorry for you, sweet pea. You've got no one to go home to after a hard day, the best you have is a night out with the lads after which you will probably come home alone, anyways cuz let's face it our Tinder is drier than my sense of humour. You're there all "LADS LADS LADS" cuz you can't find a girl, let alone a woman to make you a better man cuz no one female wants to spend more time than is entirely necessary with you cuz your personality sucks like you paid it to do so. Seriously, how nice do you think it is to always have someone to spend time with who always wants to do/eat/drink/watch the same thing as you? Oh wait, you wouldn't know, would you? The longest relationship you've had is your phone contract. You are not single cuz you love being single or aren't ready for commitment, you're single cuz you're a total idiot. Ya fucking noodle. Let me tell you a secret about yourself, Petal. Ready for it? Ahem... you're jealous. You would love to find your person but you're not grown up enough to even see it. So do me a favour and fuck off telling your friend (my husband) that being into me and wanting to spend time with me over you is a bad thing cuz it's sure as shit isn't. You're the one that's losing out, ya miserable shit. 

Mate, like for real who wants to be outside with sweaty, drunk people when you could be at home with your favourite person? 

Like it's not even a competition. It's barely a comparison. 

When you invite him round for the to watch the footie and he says "no", it's cuz he'd rather be home with me cuz I make kickass snacks, watch the game with him and give a really fucking funny commentary. If we win, we celebrate and if we lose I make it better with food and my womanly ways. Do you have those? Do you have womanly ways? I fucking hope not, you empty packet of crisps. 

When you invite him out for drinks and he says "oh mate, next time?", it's cuz he knows I'm at home with food, some tv shows already loaded for us to binge watch and better bantz than you could ever even dream off. Are you gunna let him grab your butt while you snuggle him and watch 'Suits'? Cuz if you are I'm gunna have to hurt you. I know how to get blood out anything, including your body. I find sharp objects to be the most effective.

Your friend isn't "whipped" or "under the thumb" he's in a happy relationship, you fucking pile of Ikea flat pack left over washers. He's choosing time with me over you because I'm his favourite person in the world not because I'm forcing him to. He's constantly texting me while you're out cuz he'd rather be at home with me but this is the best he can do right now. He wants to be with me, not you. 

So from every female that's hated by "the lads" to every single lad that acts like his mate is dying when he gets into a relationship and is happy: I hope your Tinder matches are more baron than your cleared internet history. The reason why we don't like you is cuz you think it's okay for him to behave like you and you're a fucking pillock. Do me a favour and have a laugh with my best friend when he does finally go out with you. Be lads, have many of the bantz but when he wants to leave be a good friend too, man hug or pat his shoulder and be like "alright mate see ya". Stop being a loser. Be happy that your bro is happy. 

Anyways, I'm out I have stuff to do.

Monica x

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