Friday, 15 June 2018

Twenty five things I’ve learnt in twenty five years

1. No one owes me anything
No matter what I’ve done for a person, what I’ve given or shared with them they do not own me a single word. They do not owe me closure, a courtesy call, lenience, a penny or a breath. If I do something I’ve learnt to do it without expectation, I do it because it’s what I think/feel I should do; I realised that I was allowing myself to be hurt or to think that I could rely on people for things when in reality that was not the case. 

  1. I don’t owe anyone anything 

In the same breath I know I also don’t owe anything to anyone either especially when it’s something that out of my comfort zone or will place me in a tricky spot. I don’t have to run myself into the ground for those around me or even do something that will conflict with something I believe in. Just because someone was good to me at some point does not then mean I owe them a great debt, a good deed does not then cancel out their normal behaviour; I came to a point in my life where I realised I was allowing people to have a hold on me just because they were nice to me once or at a time where I was low. 

  1. Time heals but it also needs help
Whether it’s self harm scars or mental trauma it can all be dealt with and laid to rest with time and a lil push. I’m not always going to be scared or hurt, panicking is temporary, pain will come and go. As long as I keep trying to deal with it all I will get to the other side so matter how many times I fall face first, if I just keep clawing my way forwards I will make it to the point I want to be. I’m no longer afraid of the dark, I can go to certain places alone without panicking, I can eat/sleep properly. I’m finally a person I actually quite like all because I just kept on trying and I have so much support from my husband. 

  1. You chose your family 
Blood, names and whatever classes you as related to someone mean very little. You are allowed to refuse thy father and deny thy name cuz guess what? They both mean nothing unless you give them meaning. I have spent years curating my family and loved ones, no one gets a free pass to be a part of my life cuz we are “family”. I don’t give a fuck who or what you are to me, you get the same treatment as anyone else because if you’re not healthy or good for me then BUD MAKE USE OF THE DOOR. 

  1. I can’t fix or save everyone 

When I was really young I would wish on every star, dandelion and eyelash that I could somehow take the place of a loved one that I had lost so that they could live and everyone could be happy but that’s not how things work. By taking their place I wouldn’t know for sure that everything would pan out the way I saw it. When I was older I would always gravitate to people who needed so much support but the thing was I would pour myself into them and it would be never ending, I would have to make a decision to cut them out because they were just too toxic to my life and well-being; I would always feel so guilty for it but now I just know I can’t save someone who doesn’t want saving and you can’t force them to be ready, they may never be.  

  1. I am not dumb because I’m not academic 
I don’t have any qualifications above GCSE level, I used to feel so insecure because of it. I’m smart in my own way and that’s okay. I absorb information and I’m emotionally very aware - those are the ways I’m smart and they serve me well. I don’t need a degree to raise my child, love my husband and be happy; this is the “career” I have chosen and it makes me happy so what does it matter if I don’t have letters after my name. I’m not lazy because I don’t want to pursue teaching which is the path I wanted as a teen, I’m not an underachiever because I never bothered with higher education. I am successful in the things that are important to me. 

  1. I’m not a good person 
I am at best an okay person, I have done some dumb shit that’s just fucking ridiculous and fuck me am I so disappointed and angry at myself for doing them but I learnt from it and made sure I don’t do them again. I’ve grown into the personality and skin I’m in, I can’t change who I an inside so I have to learn to make it the least crappy version because I don’t want to go through life being a bitch. All I really wanna do is make folks laugh a bit, if I can give a person a giggle I’m happy. 

  1. My goals aren’t on a time limit or in an order 
Some folks have a life plan and they stick to it, for them it works and it’s fab. I had one but my life panned very differently. I thought I would be long dead by 25, but here I am with a man who dotes on me and a child who lights my world up. I’m loved, whole and needed that’s more than I could have ever in my life dreamt of for myself. My goals in life are to live a life that when I look back on I can say I was happy and satisfied, to raise a happy, capable child who will go into the world and spread a little happiness wherever he goes and I want to write to the capacity I know I can. I do not want to live an extravagant or extraordinary life, I want a life of consistency, subtle peaks and troughs, stability and good; to others that may seem so lame and little a dream/goal but to me it’s everything. No one else needs to see that as important so long as I do and carry on towards it. 

  1. I deserve everything I get 
The good and the bad, whatever it is I deserve it; it is either a reward, comeuppance or a lesson. In the moment I may not understand what or why it’s happening but in hindsight I will be able to identify it. It will make me stronger and better. 

  1. Blame is subjective and pointless
It’s such an annoying thing, to you it can be so obvious and firm but then hearing it from another point of view can rapidly change that so don’t bother. It took me a long time to stop blaming people or myself for stuff, regardless of who was guilty the outcome was still the same and I had to accept that because otherwise I was just rehashing it with no productivity. It happened, move on. If you want a different outcome, look at it from a different perspective and take different actions. 

  1. Closure is something you give yourself 
You do not have to get closure from the person who caused you pain. You can resolve and answer your own questions but sometimes for your own sanity you have to accept that there is no reason or answer that can ever give you the closure you deserve. Every time you take something that you have buried to protect yourself and deal with it you can feel yourself get lighter, it’s insane being able to feel that weight lift off of your mind and heart. There’s so much I dragged along inside me for so long that I have spent this year slowly dissecting and discarding so that I can just breathe better. 

  1. You do not have to be a product of your environment or situation 
It took me years, fucking years of pain and bad mental health to finally go to the point I am today. Where I look at myself and think - you made it, you’re okay, you can. People used to tell me I was resilient and strong but I just didn’t see it - all I saw when I looked in the mirror was a damaged, pathetic, weak waste of space. I thoroughly believed every bad thing that had ever been said about me because I just did not see any good. My husband showed me what he saw when he looked at me and seven years later I slowly began to see what he did and still does. I could have allowed myself to replicate what I had been through and continue the cycle but I chose not to because I couldn’t do. I couldn’t bring myself to just be another cycle of pain. 

  1. Find what you’re good at/enjoy and do it 
I’m not good at much but the few things I am good at I’m pretty shit hot at. I am good at making people laugh and writing, I’m good at loving my people, and giving so much support to them; that’s all I’m really good at but that’s okay because I’m really good at them and I’ve shaped my life so I can use my only talents to their full potential. 

  1. Bantz
Whatever your brand of humour is fucking let it grow. Laugh at your own jokes and whatever you find funny. I had a friend once tell me it was weird that I found my own jokes funny- like fam of course I find myself funny why the fucking fuck wouldn’t I? Tag people in memes that’s are funny to you and make you think of them. Watch comedy sketches that make you laugh over and over. Don’t let anyone shit on what you find funny because people that feel the need to do so are miserable Mandy’s who are desperate to be cool. 

  1. Confidence 
I hate the phrase “fake it until you make it” so... pretending until you’re not pretending anymore. I was never a confident person and unless I’m trying do the things I’m good at (making up hashtags, giving people the uncomfortables, looking after my two humans) I’m constantly terrified I’m going to fail at it; it was instilled in me that of you weren’t the best then there was no point in being mediocre but guess what yo? DAS NOT FUCKIN TRUE BOI. I’m not a fantastic singer or dancer but guess what? If a song comes on that I like I am STRAIGHT UP RAVING LIKE ITS THE EARLY NINETIES AND I AM OFF MY FACE ON MANDY cuz I don’t give a fuck. To be fair the general consensus when it comes to my confidence - do I care what anyone else thinks? No because why the actual fuck would I? They’re just another person I bet they like something cringe and dumb too so what the hell Ima do me. Learn to not care about what people around you think of you, their opinion means so little in the grand scheme of things. I would rather make an idiot of myself and be happy than conform to anyone’s predilections of how I should behave. I am me; ya don’t like it? That’s nice for you. You can join the club, we’re getting t-shirts printed. 

  1. Knowing who you are
I spent a hell of a lot of my life being a gutless, wishy washy, malleable little fucking bitch, that I am no longer... actually I’m still a bitch but in a way I enjoy. I have my opinions, views and code; I refuse to bend them to anyone. I know who and what I am. I accept that which I cannot change about myself but that which I find unfavourable and I’ll about myself I am working my down right and utmost hardest to change so that I may be the best version of whatever the fuck I am. Changing who you are isn’t a bad thing as long as you’re doing it for the right reason and not losing what makes you, you. I’m pretty much the same person I was 10 years ago but that person is set in stone and cleaned up, I do general upkeep and maintenance but I’m still a  idiot with long hair, a loud fucking laughing and a need to look after everyone but now I’m the same no matter who I’m with. 

  1. Find your healer 
In this life we are continually chipped at and hailed on in so many forms and directions, for us to carry on and to be able to maintain our energy or driving force we need to make sure we are feeding that energy with what it need in doses that keep it wanting more but feeling satisfied for just a little while.  Watch your favourite movie often, listen to albums you love on repeat, order your favourite sweets online, sit in the dark and just be silent. Whatever it is that gives you balance and peace on days of storm do it because no one is going to do it for you. Self care is so so so important, talk, cry, sleep. Do what you need to do for yourself to feel like you’re okay. 

  1. Not everyone is going to like me and that’s okay
I used to change my personality to who ever I was with so they would like me. I’m old enough to now think that was a really fucking dumb thing to do and not do it. I, now love it when people tell me they don’t like me.  
Here’s a list of my favourite things that people who don’t like me have said to me:
  • Don’t be a bitch your whole life, Monica. It doesn’t suit you 
  • You know what? You’re a spineless person. 
  • Whatever dude. I never liked you and now I know I never will. 
And you know what? I think about those phrases often to remind myself that I am, can be and historically have been such a fucking bitch to people but I do not have to carry that kind of behaviour on. 

  1. Friends are sometimes lessons
Not every friend you will make will be a life long one, while it hurts to lose them and missing them sucks for the most part leading separate lives is for the best. I miss so many people and think about them so often but I understand I have no place in their lives and them, none in mine. The time and place in which our friendship existed was special and nostalgia is a wonderful thing. 

  1. Relationships are work
Regardless of what the relationship is it requires a certain amount of work for it to be a fair and enriching relationship, essentially you get what you put in and sometimes you will have to make up for the other persons short fall because of where they are at, it’s okay and it makes for long lasting and very meaningful relationships. I have friends whom know everything about me and have been around for decades but then I also have friend who know me the same way and have only know me for a few years. My husband is my very best friend and favourite adult in the whole fucking world and I’ve only known that dopey sod seven years I have poured my whole heart and soul into that man and I have received far more than I deserve back. 

  1. Your known characteristics are okay to have 
Someone who hasn’t seen it even thought of me in over ten years was asked what I was like back then, she said “she had really long hair and was a funny girl”. I used to think it was a bad thing that I was so predictable and set in my aesthetic- like I was stagnant, but then I realised I was just comfortable in the way I presented and had found my look. So often I see people feel the constant need to keep up with trends and fashions not because they just want to but because they feel the pressure to fit in. If you like they way you wear something or style yourself don’t let anyone tell you that you have to change it cuz it isn’t in fashion anymore. Tell they to fuck themselves with an industrial extractor fan. 

  1. It’s okay to not be okay
If you’re suffering or just in general not okay : pipe the fuck up. Tell those whom you trust that you’re not coping so well. I would hide so much when I was younger now I literally put up status on Facebook to my mates saying “hey my brain is a mess and I’m doing pretty badly. I am ignoring you but it’s because I’m useless to everyone rn. I’ll be back soon”. ALL OF MY MATES SEND ME A LIL BUMP OF GOOD VIBES AND THE OFFER TO TALK because I have surrounded myself with people who actually know me and care about me so they know I’m not being an attention seeking bitch. I can’t tell my friends that I need to nap when they come over because I’m just so exhausted and they will snuggle up with me. I can tell them I need them to leave or hang up because I cannot find the energy and they never ever hold it against me they appreciate the honest and care about me far too much to think anything more than “be okay”. 

  1. Don’t bury stuff 
No matter what it is the trauma or whatever you have gone through will surface and it will be ugly. You have to face it and take whatever comes along with facing it because otherwise it will haunt you forever and you will never be able to be free of it. Talk, write, read, type, draw. Do whatever you need to do but do not leave it to fester. It will only be worse for you in the long term. 

  1. I’m not anyone’s reason 
I grew up someone’s reason for something almost my entire childhood. I was someone’s reason to live, I was someone reason to leave, I was someone’s opportunity to live out their trauma, I was someone reason to something. I’m no longer that - I am me and I live my life for the reasons I choose and the efforts I believe in. No one can use me anymore for whatever their cause. I refuse to be a pawn in anyone game. 

  1. Make memories

We get one life and we aren’t promised any of it. At the end of the day try to be see to it that if you were to die today that you’ve not left anyone intentionally with ill feeling and made at least one good memory - no matter how small. Live, see, experience. The world is s huge fucking place and we are such insignificant parts of it so leave you mark and take you memories along for the ride. 

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